Identity Theft is a Serious Problem
by G-POW
Summary: Eh? Kaka-sensei's got amnesia? Wait, when did he get a perm? Wait, what's with the sweets fetish? Wait, are you sure you're Kaka-sensei? Eh? Who the hell are you? EH?
1. Chapter 1: If You Can't Remember

**Identity Theft is a Serious Problem**

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><p><strong>Summary: A man's passing himself off as Kakashi! <strong>**And nobody can spot the difference! ****The trouble is, he has amnesia, and Kakashi's nowhere to be found. Who the hell is this natural-permed guy with an addiction to strawberry parfaits?**

**You know that rape-face Gintoki and his lackeys make sometimes? I'm making that face now. I've taken a liking to Gintama now. Why? 'Cuz it's FREAKING INSANE! Oh my god, those people are FREAKING INSANE. Just FREAKING INSANE. Did I mention that they were FREAKING INSANE? I think I did. Anyways, remember when the Yorozuya (and Katsura) became ninjas? Yeah, well I thought White Ninja looked a loooooot like the Copy Ninja. And then BAM! This popped up. Well, enjoy. It's 4 am.  
><strong>

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I███████████████████].  
>◥⊙▲⊙▲⊙▲⊙▲⊙▲⊙▲⊙◤...<p>

**Duuude...the tank works!**

**Disclaimer: Gintama is the property of a gorilla. Naruto is the property of...some dude in a suit. The tank is mine.  
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><p><strong>Chapter One: If You Can't Remember Last Night, Then You Know You Had A Good Time<br>**

_Huh? What the hell is this? The sky's all green. _

_Huh? I'm the one all green?_

_Huh? Why am I sleeping in a place like this?_

_Huh? Hasn't something like this happened before? Huh?_

"Mommy, why is that man sleeping in the bushes?"

"Kya! Rei-chan, cover your eyes!"

_Huh? Is there a pedophile in the bushes? Maybe I should check._

The man abruptly sat up. The first thing his senses registered was an uncomfortable pricking sensation. Next was a gentle breeze that was chillier than usual. He blinked, and took a glance down.

"…Huh?…"

He blinked again. Something was…off.

"Where are my pants?"

Oh, well that would explain the draft. Wait…

"WHY AM I NAKED?"

In an instinctual effort to preserve what was left of his reputation, the silver-haired man quickly jumped into a larger bush that managed to conceal what the mosaic won't.

_Ok, let's calmly think this over. Think, man, think. What the hell happened last night? What did I drink? Where are my clothes? How did I end up in a bush? WHO PAID THE BILL? Wait, why am I worrying about that?_

Scrunching his eyebrows, he tried desperately to recall the night's activities. To no avail.

"GAH! I can't remember! How did I end up in a situation that's usually reserved for the Gorilla? The main character shouldn't end up like this! My rank's gonna go down for sure! I'm gonna have to pull some Bleach cosplay to even make it to the top 20! Wait, what am I talking about? Who's a gorilla? What rank? WHAT THE HELL'S 'BLEACH'?"

The man did his best to calm himself. First things first, he needed some cover. He looked around for a towel, a barrel, heck, another bush would do!

Ah! There! On the railing of that two-story apartment, billowing in the breeze, beckoning to him, was a set of freshly washed and dried laundry. Checking for any witnesses, he practically lifted the bush out of the ground and skittered his way up the stairs. He was slightly guilty for taking someone else's laundry, but what kind of idiot would dry clothes where naked men could take them?

He quickly pulled on a pair of navy blue pants and a matching shirt. Curiously enough, the shirt had some sort of mask attached. Curiouser, there was another mask underneath. Huh, people these days are into some weird fashions. He pulled up the mask. Maybe he could hide his identity in case he gets arrested for grand theft laundry. There was also a drab green flak vest and a pair of metal plated gloves. Well, if he was gonna take this guy's clothes, might as well go all the way.

The outfit fit him surprisingly well. It was easy to move in, and was less cumbersome than a kimono. Maybe he should think about investing in an outfit like this. The silver-haired man made a mental note to go have a chat with Sorachi-sensei about his character design.

_Eh? Who's Sorachi-sensei?_ This was really confusing. He was talking about things that he had no recollection of. Come to think of it, he didn't even know his own name! Did he get amnesia? Who was he? How did he end up naked in a bush? He got a sense of déjà vu, like this has happened before.

It was then that he noticed the faint red splotches that were scattered on various parts of his outfit. They were most noticeable in the grooves of the metal plates in the gloves. The man's face blanched.

_O-Oi, wh-what's this? I-Is this guy a painter or something? Heh, yeah, that's what it is; red paint. It's definitely not _blood_ or anything. I definitely didn't steal the clothes of a serial killer. _

Unfortunately, the painter that was pictured in his head wasn't using paint.

_M-M-Maybe he's a-a butcher! Yeah! The blood from the meat got on him and he couldn't wash it out!_

Unfortunately, the butcher that was pictured in his head wasn't butchering animals.

"GYAH! I'm too young to be butchered by a painter! Painted by a butcher! I'M TOO GOOD-LOOKING TO DIE!"

With himself fully covered, the amnesia-riddled man got the heck out of there, in case the owner showed up. A pity that there were no shoes available, but he'll deal with it later. A few steps away from the apartment, he felt something dig into him from the pant pockets. He dug his hand in and pulled out a metal headband. There was an engraved symbol of a…snail? _What, is this guy part of a snail cult or something? _He snickered quietly to himself.

The silver-haired man stopped when he saw someone in the same outfit as him pass by, with the snail headband fixed firmly on their forehead. Then there was another, and another, and another. He stood there dumbstruck. _There really is a Snail cult!_ Quite a few people were beginning to stare at him oddly, so he quickly tied the headband on to avoid standing out. However, the damned thing kept drooping over his left eye. He walked onto a deserted part of the street, and tried to comprehend the situation.

_Okay, so I wake up stark naked in a bush with no memories of who I am and had to steal some guy's clothes. Then I find out the owner is either a painter or butcher and is part of a weird snail cult, and there are more of them! This is a serious 'what the fuck' moment! What the hell's going on? What- Eh? Did Edo always have a Mount Rushmore? EH?_

For the first time, the man noticed the looming mountain carved with faces in the background.

"What the hell? Where am I? Did the Amanto carve up Mount Fuji? Or did they relocate Mount Rushmore? The Americans are gonna be pissed! And since when was there five presidents? And one of 'em is a chick! A pretty hot chick, BUT STILL! No wait, what's an Amanto?"

"Hey! Kaka-sensei! Kaka-sensei!" Some obnoxious kid was yelling loudly, but the ranting man tuned him out. _Ah, what to do in this situation? Maybe this is a dream! A hallucination! I'm still in bed, with a bad hangover! Maybe if I close my eyes, Mount Rushmore will disappear._

"Kaka-sensei! Kaka-sensei! BAKA-SENSEI!"

"WHO YOU CALLIN' 'BAKA-SENSEI'?" He whirled around, planning to give the brat a piece of his mind, but stopped when he saw the kid's outfit. It was bright orange. It was so orange that it hurt. The kid also had a Snail Cult headband on his forehead. His attire was vaguely familiar. "What are you, cosplaying 'Beruto' or something? You've got the color all wrong. If you want to cosplay, you gotta put your heart into it. Beruto wears blinding yellow. You've got the 'blinding' part right. Just need to work on your color." _Wait, what the hell is Beruto?_

"Huh?" The kid frowned quizzically. "Sensei, did you forget my name? It's 'Naruto', not 'Baruto'."

"It's 'Beruto', not 'Biruto'." The older man corrected him.

"It's Naruto!"

"It's Beruto."

"Naruto!"

"Beruto."

"NA-RU-TO!"

"Be-Ru-To."

"Naru- ah, forget it." The orange kid stared at his hair. "Sensei, when did you get a perm?"

"Eh? Perm? I have a perm?" He ran a hand through his hair. Sure enough, the curly locks passed through his fingers. Something told him they were a hundred percent natural. He sensed he had a love-hate relationship with them. "My hair aside, who are you? Are you someone I know? Should I be beating you up?"

"Sensei, what's gotten into you?" Exclaimed the bright orange kid. "Did you fall down the stairs or something?"

"Maybe." 'Sensei' replied. "I found myself waking up in a bush. I can't remember what my name is or who I am. You called me 'Sensei', right? Well, as my student, you are obliged to help your teacher." His foggy memory remembered a loud and obnoxious brat always tagging along with him. Maybe this was his brat. "Now go find Sensei some food. Your name's making me hungry for some ramen. Or better yet, some strawberry parfait." His stomach growled on cue.

"Ramen?" A huge grin was plastered on Ber-Naruto's face. "Why didn't you say so earlier? Let's go to Ichiraiku's right now!" He tugged on the older man's sleeve eagerly. "A delicious bowl of ramen is bound to jog your memory!"

"But I don't have a cent on me." Kaka-sensei moaned. Naruto pouted.

"Sensei's a liar. I know for a fact that you've been going on high-level missions and have been raking it in."

"Eh? I have? Oh, well, maybe I left my wallet in my other pants. These were just washed, you know." It was sorta true. Kinda.

Naruto frowned, having an inner debate, but his love for ramen won in the end. "Alright, fine. I'll cover you just this once. But you gotta pay me back double!"

"Excellent!" Kaka-sensei exclaimed. "Don't worry; you pay me 3, I'll pay back 7. Let's go, Beruto-kun!"

"It's not Beruto, it's Naruto!"

"Whatever."

Kaka-sensei followed Naruto as he led the way towards the ramen stand. However, he didn't walk more than a few steps when he suddenly gasped and plastered his face against a shop window. Naruto stopped and turned to see what the commotion was.

"Eh? What is it, sensei? Is it a new release of that Ero-sennin's porn book?"

"No…" The man was almost drooling on the glass. "It's…a magazine…" His body was involuntarily drawn towards it. The characters on the covers struck against the brick wall that blocked him from his memories. He slowly turned to Naruto, narrowing his eyes in a serious manner.

"Beru- eh no, _Naruto-kun_, I have a feeling that this tome could be vital in helping me recover my memories. You're being such a wonderful and dutiful student, helping your poor sensei when he's in this state. Please, if you would get this book for me, I will treat you to all the ramen that my bank account will allow."

Naruto couldn't believe his ears. Where was the Kakashi that kept making him eat vegetables and other nasty things? The aloof and nonchalant teacher that just sat around, with his nose buried in his porno. "Eh? Really? Aw, shucks, sensei. When you put it that way…you promise to buy me ramen?"

"Believe it!"

"Alright! I've hit the jackpot!" Naruto pumped a triumphant fist in the air. Amnesia-sensei was the best! "But you'd better live up to your promise, or else I'm telling Ero-sennin to stop writing his porn."

"Can't have that now, can we?"

Moments later, Naruto walked with the usual sensei-giggling-into-his-book following him to Ichiraiku's.

"Man, what a good read," sighed the silver-haired man as they took a seat at the ramen stall. "Nothing beats limited editions. Now if only I could get a limited edition parfait, I'll die happy." He tucked the magazine into a vest pocket.

"Whatever, sensei," said Naruto, picking his nose. "I thought you were talking about a skin mag. I can't believe you still read things like Jump when you're this age. Whatever. Some ramen will soon set you straight."

"I guess it'll be the usual for you, Naruto?" Said the proprietor who introduced himself as Teuchi "Fancy seeing you here, sensei. Usually it's Iruka-sensei who gets dragged along by Naruto-kun. You don't come here often enough."

"Eh? I don't? But this place smells great!"

"Kaka-sensei bumped his head and lost his memories." Explained Naruto. "I'm helping him to get them back!"

"Well, you're on the right track. A belly full of ramen will bring those memories rushing back. Right then! Ayame, two Naruto Specials!"

Pretty soon, two steaming bowls of noodles were placed in front of the two voracious customers. Kaka-sensei took a whiff and nearly melted at the heavenly fragrance. His jaw dropped as he saw Naruto practically inhaling the stuff like oxygen. For a second there, he thought he saw a red-haired Chinese girl in Naruto's place. He blinked and the image was gone. Huh.

"Well, itadakimasu." He broke apart his chopsticks and pulled down his mask. God, the ramen tasted better than anything he'd ever eaten! Well, maybe except for a strawberry parfait. Wait, did he like parfaits? He'd better. But as he ate, Kaka-sensei noticed that he was the only one eating. What happened to the black hole? He looked up from his food and saw Naruto staring at him with a shocked expression on his face. "Eh? What's wrong? Is there something on my face? Is it a spider? Is it a big spider? Get it off!"

Naruto simply stammered, too shocked to be coherent. "N-no…y-your…your mask! I!... You!...I can see your face!"

Kaka-sensei raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, I can see your face too, kid. What, am I that handsome? I know I'm drop-dead gorgeous, but if it turns on brats, then I might have to consider plastic surgery."

"Shut up, Baka-sensei! I meant that you took off your mask! You never take off your mask! I thought it was a permanent feature on your face! We even had a whole episode where we tried to take off your mask but you pulled some lame-ass joke on us in the end!"

"Calm down, ya little runt." Kaka-sensei lazily cleaned his ear with a pinkie. "So what if I take off my mask? A face is a face; we're all based on the same template, anyways."

"But now you've lost your mysterious allure! You were always the lazy, chronically-late, faceless porno addict who sometimes had some cool moments. Now you're just a lazy porno addict, and that just doesn't have the same appeal. That's about as cool as a closet perv!"

"You left out 'chronically-late' for the second description."

"Right, that. My point is- CRAP!"

Kaka-sensei cocked his head. "Eh? Your point is crap? So what was the point of your little speech if it meant crap?"

"No, no!" Naruto wailed. "I just remembered; Sakura-chan sent me to find you because you were later than usual for our meeting. But I got side-tracked and now she's gonna kill me!" The kid took up a fetal on the ground and began whimpering.

"Oi oi, it'll be alright." Kaka-sensei stooped next to his student and tried to coax him out of it. "I'll go with you so you can explain to your girlfriend that you were helping me and get me off the hook. Then she can kill you anyway she wants."

At the mention of 'girlfriend' Naruto's face flushed beet red and he vehemently cried "S-she's not my girlfriend! Well, it'd be nice if she was, but she only has eyes for that emo bastard!"

Kaka-sensei's eyes glinted mischievously. "Oooh, is this a love triangle I sense? Well, don't you worry about a thing, my cute little pupil. Sensei'll help you take down your emo and get the girl!"

"Really? You'll do that, Sensei? But I always thought you favored Sasuke-teme 'cuz he's got that stupid Sharingan?"

"What kind of a teacher was I if I played favorites? And what the hell's a Sharingan? Besides, I don't see Satori-teme or whatshisname here paying for my Jump and ramen. If there's anyone I should be favoring, it'd be you, Beruto-kun."

Naruto's eyes welled up with tears. Amnesia-sensei really was the best! "It's not Beruto; It's Naruto, Baka-sensei," he sniffed, and wrapped his sensei in a hug.

"O-Oi, you're getting snot all over my freshly washed clothes. Let go, you brat! And it's not Baka-sensei, it's Kaka-sensei!"

"Whatever. By the way, sensei, why aren't you wearing shoes?"

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><p><strong>Notes: I'm just gonna rant about video games here. Why? Well, it's because HALO 4'S COMING OUT IN 2012! HOOOOOIIII! I am so freaking excited! Are you freaking excited? I'm freaking excited! You'd better be freaking excited (No, you don't have to be. Please don't hurt me.) AND! They're revamping the original Halo: Combat Evolved! AND IT'S COMING IN NOVEMBER! I'M FREAKING EXCITED! (I'm feeling rather excited. Please don't hurt me for it.) YEAH!<strong>

**- Chindu Prince of Darkness**

**P.S. Hah~ 'Naruto' gets auto-corrected into 'Narcotic'**


	2. Chapter 2: Children Can Be Smarter

**Identity Theft is a Serious Problem**

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><p><strong>Yo. Second Chapter. Sweet. Man, Gintama is so damn awesome. That's all I want to say here. <strong>

**Disclaimer: Gintama is the property of Sorachi-sensei. Naruto is the property of...that dude with the twin.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 2: Sometimes Children Can Be Smarter Than Adults<strong>

After finishing his ramen (and finding a pair of sandals) Naruto led his addle-brained sensei towards the training grounds. But as they got closer, Naruto felt an ominous, foreboding atmosphere that grew stronger with each step he took. He gulped and tried to stop the shivers that ran down his spine. The blond boy found himself unconsciously cowering behind his sensei, who was either immune or oblivious to the bloodlust emanating from the area.

"Careful, Kaka-sensei," Naruto cautioned in fear, "Sakura has a wicked right hook, and Sasuke-teme is a pyromaniac."

"Oi, just what the hell do I teach you guys?" Kaka-sensei glanced back at him rather nervously. Naruto shushed him and they carefully made their way towards the clearing.

"Hey, they're not here!" Naruto exclaimed in relief once he glanced around the deserted glade. "Man, did we catch a lucky break-?"

WHAM!

A fist caught him in the face and sent him flying halfway across the field. Kaka-sensei watched flabbergasted as his student lay twitching on the ground. He slowly turned, and saw an enraged pink-haired girl with a raised smoking fist, and an equally enraged black-haired boy standing next to her. His vision blurred a bit, and he imagined the girl with a brown ponytail. He shook his head and the vision disappeared. Huh.

"Naruto, you idiot," the violent girl ground out, storming over to the fallen boy, "I sent you to find Sensei THREE HOURS AGO! What were you doing? Did he rub off on you?" She began stomping on his head, which was quickly making an indent in the ground.

"Hey! We're not done with you!" Kaka-sensei halted in his attempt to flee when the black-haired boy addressed him. Both he and the girl drew in a big breath, and shouted,

"'YOU'RE LATE, SENSEI!'"

Oh dear, there goes his eardrums.

"What's your excuse this time?" The black-haired boy asked condescendingly. "'Helped an old lady cross the street'? 'Busy getting a perm? 'Had temporary amnesia'?"

"Oi, these curls are natural." When the feeling of bloodlust flared up again, the silver-haired man held his hands up in surrender. "Hey, that little lady just Falcon Punched the brat to Neverland. There isn't anything I can say other than, 'Parley?'…What the hell's a 'Falcon Punch'?"

"Sensei fell down (ouch) the stairs and (ow) lost his memories." Naruto explained as Sakura patched up the injuries she inflicted on him. "I was trying (tch, ow!) to help him remember. (YE-OUCH!)"

"Is this true, Kaka-sensei?" Sakura asked, somehow able to convey both concern and menace through her words. The man nodded fervently.

"But I am getting bits and pieces. There's the obnoxious bottomless pit," He pointed at Naruto, "The homicidal she-gorilla-er, sweet, gentle young lady," He corrected himself when the 'gorilla' cracked her knuckles threateningly, "and the straight man." he nodded at Sasuke, "Although…I can't help but think that something's missing, some sort of eyewear...Contact lens, maybe?"

Sasuke's eyebrow twitched in irritation. "You mean these?" He activated his Sharingan. The man's eyes widened in surprised.

"Whoa. How did you…? Never mind."

"Well, how are you feeling after seeing your team together, Sensei?" Naruto and the others gathered around Kaka-sensei. "Are your memories back?"

The amnesiac furrowed his brow in deep concentration. "I remember…something. I remember…Ah!" His eyes lit up with realization and the kids grinned with excitement. Their sensei was back! "I remember; you're Beruto, Bakara and Biscuit of Team Shitty!"

No one said a word as their sensei stood before them, with his hands on his hips and a proud expression on his face. However, the silence didn't last as the kids unleashed their frustration on their teacher.

"IT'S NOT 'BERUTO', IT'S NARUTO, BAKA-SENSEI!"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING BAKA, BAKA-SENSEI?"

"WHAT THE HELL'S 'BISCUIT'? IT'S NOT EVEN IN CONTEXT WITH THE REST!"

"How could a team be called 'Team Shitty'?"

"You had us all excited for nothing!"

"You didn't remember anything!"

"Oi oi, I swear to God that's really what I remember." Kaka-sensei tried to reason with his irritated students. "Blame it on the amnesia. That bump on the head probably scrambled some things in there. Heck, I don't even know what I'm saying half the time."

"Sensei, we should really get you to the hospital," Sakura suggested, "It could be dangerous for you if you're not careful."

"How?" _The only dangerous thing I see is you._

"Well, what if an enemy ambushes you? Or if we accidentally hurt you during training? If you don't remember your skills, you won't be able to defend yourself."

"Some jōnin he'd be then," Sasuke scoffed, "His skills should be so ingrained that he'd react out of reflex. Muscle memory alone should be enough to fend off any attacks."

"But we don't know if he does," Naruto pointed out, "Right now, he could be a brain-damaged moron who couldn't even fend off a fly."

"Oi, just because Sensei's a little drain-bamaged doesn't mean you can insult him," Kaka-sensei retorted.

"Oh yeah?" Sasuke challenged him. "Wanna test to see if you do remember?" He drew out a few pairs of kunai and was poised to strike.

"Sasuke-kun, maybe you shouldn't-" Sakura began, but was cut off by her sensei.

"Bring it, Biscuit." And fell into a fighting stance.

With an irritated growl, Sasuke flung his kunai towards the man as Naruto and Sakura quickly jumped out of the way. There was no way a jōnin of Kakashi's calibre would get hit by a genin's attack, amnesiac or not. He'll instinctively pull one of his tricks out of his sleeve and get out of harm's way. However, Sasuke couldn't help but wince when the sound of metal-on-flesh reached his ears. He looked and saw that his sensei had gotten every single one of his kunai stuck in some body part.

"Tch, I knew it. Substitution jutsu. Don't you have any other skills besides that one?" It was going to pop into a log any second and Kakashi would appear somewhere else-

"E-Eh…W-Warn me n-next t-t-time when you t-t-throw these things…" The 'log' said, and toppled over.

The Uchiha stood with his mouth open in shock, until Sakura's scream and Naruto's yelling knocked him out of it.

"GAH! Sasuke, you bastard! You killed Kaka-sensei!"

"I-I didn't think he'd just stand there like an idiot!" Came Sasuke's flustered reply. "He could've at least tried to dodge!"

Unfortunately, the blond ninja was panicking too much to care for an explanation.

"You killed our sensei, you team-killing retard! Sasuke's a murderer! A murderer! I'm in league with a murderer! What are we gonna do? Grandma-Tsunade's gonna kill me! I won't survive in jail!"

"Calm down, moron! There's no way he'd die from that! We just need to get him to the hospital-"

"You also said he'd be able to dodge those kunai, and look how well that turned out! No, we just need to hide the evidence of your horrendous deed…"

"Don't worry, Sasuke-kun," Sakura whispered, "I'll protect you from getting gang-raped in jail."

"He's not dead!" The black haired boy sputtered. "He can't be dead! I don't want to go to jail for this! Hell no!-"

"Geez, all that racket you're making is loud enough to wake the dead."

All three genin whipped their heads around to see their sensei sitting up with a cascade of kunai falling from him. Although he was bleeding slightly from some of the wounds, he looked no worse for the wear.

"Sensei!" Naruto exclaimed jubilantly, either for the return of his teacher or for not going to jail. "You're alive! It was all Sasuke-teme's fault. He was always pissed at you for kicking his ass the first day and he used this underhanded scheme to get you back! You should totally kick him off the team!"

The silver-haired man stared blankly at the boy and blinked a couple of times, then said, "Eh? Who are you? Do I know you? Should I be beating you up?"

"…"

"…"

"…Naruto-kun, I think we'd better take sensei to Tsunade-sama." Sakura suggested in light of her teammate's exasperated expressions.

"G-Good idea."

After a recap of what transpired up until now, Kaka-sensei seemed to regain a bit of his memories, but the majority was still lost to him.

"Are you okay with those wounds, Sensei?" Sakura asked him on their way to the Hokage Tower. She had bandaged most of the cuts up, but she was still worried for her teacher's health.

"Hmm? Oh yeah, I'm fine," He waved her off, "In fact, I think that attack even jogged my memory a little. I remember someone, a stick-up-her-ass ninja prostitute with horrible aim. You guys know anything about that?" He turned to address his students, only to find that they had backed up a few yards away from him.

"Sensei, please keep your personal life separate from your job." Sakura said, deadpan.

"We know you've lost your memory, but there are some things that kids just don't want to know." Added Naruto.

"Even you should have enough sense left to be discrete." Said Sasuke.

"What? What the hell are you talking about? You think I, that I- do that, with…you sick little monkeys. Kids shouldn't be thinking about stuff like that."

"Whatever, Sensei," Naruto said, absent-mindedly picking his nose. "You're the one who always has his nose stuck in a porno book. You're a bad influence on us."

"Well, then it looks like I'll need to educate you brats to make up for it" The man said with a devious grin.

And thus, the trip to the Tower was accompanied by a lesson from Kaka-sensei on the wonders of the human reproductive system. Needless to say, Team Seven remained scarred for the duration of their childhood.

"Oh god, THAT'S what it's for?"

"No more, no more, no more…"

"You can't remember your own name, but you can remember this?"

The group drew quite a few stares from the shinobi in the building as they walked through the halls; a teacher with a satisfied smirk on his face followed by students that staggered behind him with hands covering their ears and horrified eyes. Thankfully, they recovered somewhat by the time they reached the Hokage's office.

Naruto, as per his usual, barged in unannounced and yelled "Oi! Grandma-Tsunade! We've got a prob-"

WHACK!

"Mind your manners, boy!"

Kaka-sensei entered the room, and saw Naruto clutching his head in pain with a hot blonde in a green robe seethed over him.

"Oi," he whispered to Sasuke, "who's the hot chick with the pigtails? Is she the secretary? Does she have a boyfriend?"

For some reason, the Uchiha stared at him with disgust and disbelief.

"What? You got dibs on her or something? You're a bit too young for her; unless that's the sort of thing she's into…"

"You idiot, that's the Hokage!" Sasuke exclaimed, cheeks flushing red. "And if anything, you're too young for her! She's like, 50-something!"

Kaka-sensei took a step back in surprise. Now that he looked closely, he saw that it was her face carved on the Mount Rushmore. So this is the leader of the Snail Cult. "Are you serious? That's some wrinkle cream that she uses."

"Oi, brat, what the hell are you still doing here?" The lady was now addressing him. "I just sent you on a mission that takes weeks to complete. What are you doing, dawdling around? If you've got time to get a perm, then you've got time to get your ass in gear!"

"Tsunade-sama, we came here because Kaka-sensei was injured," Sakura explained. "He damaged his head somehow and seemed to have lost his memories. We were hoping you could fix him up."

"Wha-memory loss? You?" Tsunade shook her head in disbelief. "Unbelievable. How the hell did a Jōnin of your calibre get an injury like that?"

"He fell down the stairs," Said Naruto. "But you will be able to heal him though, right, Grandma-Tsunade?"

Tsunade sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "The brain is the hardest part of the body to treat. Even with the medical jutsu we've developed, we still don't have a solid grasp on the mind. There's little I can do. We can only hope he recovers eventually on his own. God, the troubles you bring me, brat."

"Well hey, we've already made some progress, haven't we, Kaka-sensei?"

The man nodded in agreement. "Mmm-hmm. I feel it slowly coming back to me, piece-by-piece."

"That's swell and all," said Tsunade, crossing her arms, "but this could prove dangerous for you. You may not remember, but you've made quite a few enemies throughout your career. I'll need to keep you under protection. Can't risk losing you. Konoha might be safe, but I can't guarantee we can keep them all out. If you don't remember your skills, you will die."

"That's what we're here for!" Naruto cut in. "We can protect Sensei and re-teach the basics, and hope that his body remembers!"

"Didn't work out so well last time," muttered Sasuke, feeling just a little bit guilty.

"No, Naruto; it's much too dangerous for him to be around you. His enemies are deadly. If he can't remember his skills, he can't be your teacher anymore."

"If it'll help Sensei, we'll even take on D-rank missions to help him remember." Sakura ignored the agony on her teammates' faces when she suggested it. She felt a hand on her head and looked up at her white-haired sensei.

"Look guys; you've helped me quite a bit, and I'm grateful. Really. But if me being around you guys means that you'll be in danger, then I can't take that risk. The Boss-Kage is right; I can't teach you guys anything while I'm in this state, let alone protect you. Just go find yourselves a new sensei. Besides, what kind of teacher would I be if I make my students protect me?" Kaka-sensei gave his signature eye-smile to the trio.

"You hear the man," Lady Tsunade said, "This is for your own good. I'll assign you all a new instructor by the end of the week. Now go, I need to make the necessary arrangements."

"But, but, Grandma-Tsunade-" Naruto started to protest, but was cut off.

"No buts, Naruto!" She slammed her fist on the desk hard enough to make a dent. "My decision is final."

Sakura turned to Kaka-sensei, feeling tears welling up in her eyes, "Sensei…"

"Hey, it'll be alright." He comforted her. "I'm sure you guys will learn plenty from another sensei. And I'll come visit you guys often. Be sure to treat me to some strawberry parfaits."

"We don't want another sensei!" Naruto objected hotly. "We want you as our sensei! Sure, you were always late, and had your nose in a dirty book, and kept ticking us off with your stupid mask fetish, but you're the coolest sensei we've ever had! The _only_ sensei we'll have! You can't just dump us on another guy! Take some responsibility, Baka-sensei!"

"It's not Baka-sensei; it's Kaka-sensei."

"You guys are making this harder than it needs to be," Tsunade groaned. "Don't make me restrain you; I don't want to be the bad guy. But this is for your own good-"

"But is confining and restraining the great Copy-Nin really what's best for the village?" Sasuke suddenly spoke up. All eyes turned to him. It was surprising enough that he even spoke, let alone interrupt the Hokage.

"What are you getting at?" Tsunade asked.

"Think about it, Hokage-sama," Sasuke began, "Why are you are going to spend a lot of time and resources on trying to revive a single Jōnin, which will produce very little, if any, results, when you can achieve the same thing with a fraction of the time and no detrimental effects on the village's resources? It's been proven that our sensei recovers the most by spending time with us in an environment that is familiar to him. So why not use it? Leave him to us. Give us D and C-rank missions. Let us help him, and I guarantee that you'll have the Copy-Nin back in no time. If there really is a danger, have a Jōnin or even a Chūnin accompany us just in case. This way, he can still do missions and earn money for the village whilst recovering his skills." Sasuke finished his proposal and waited for the Hokage to answer.

Lady Tsunade said nothing at first but then looked at the Uchiha and the others with a piercing stare. "Are you sure you guys can do this? Are you aware of the danger you're putting yourselves in? Because it won't just be your own lives at risk, but also that of your sensei's. Can you bear that responsibility? The responsibility of another person's life?"

All three members of Team Seven nodded in sync with a fiery determination in their eyes.

"Oi, come on guys, no more fooling around. This is adult stuff." Kaka-sensei started to protest, but faltered when he saw the resolve in the genin. He turned to the Hokage for help. "Boss-Lady, you can't possibly be agreeing to this."

"It's their decision as adults, and I can't stop them if they choose to do this willingly. And since you're not of sound mind, you have no authority over them." Lady Tsunade smirked. "Congratulations, brat; Meet your new guardians."

The genin's faces lit up with joy, as their teacher buried his head in his hands.

"Alright, fine." He said, defeated, "If this is what you want, then I'll go with it. But just one question: What exactly do we do in the Snail Cult?"

* * *

><p><strong>Notes: Ah...uh...um...I...can't really think of anything to say here. It's daytime, and my spazz-o-meter doesn't work in sunlight. Um, I need a topic...what to do, what to do...kumquats...garden gnomes...Ooh! TOBUSCUS! Is a funny little man. A panicky, attention-defunct little man, but funny. Go watch him play Dead Space 2. Ge'head, you know you want to. Peace.<strong>

**- Chindu, Prince of Darkness**


	3. Chapter 3: Don't Bring Home Strays

**Identity Theft is a Serious Problem**

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><p><strong>Yo! 'allo again! Welcome back. This means you like, yes? Good, good. Um...uh...huh. Well, Gintama's still going, Naruto's still going, and I'm still...doing...something. I'll figure out what to put here eventually.<strong>

**Disclaimer: I have no claims on any of this. The Copyright Ninja will get me if I do.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 3: Don't Bring Home Strays, Especially If They're Foaming at the Mouth<strong>

It took quite some time explaining to Kaka-sensei the history of Konoha ("No, we are not a Snail Cult; that is a leaf"), and even more time to convince him that they were not a Snail Cult ("For the love of God, we are not a Snail Cult! I use slugs!"). Eventually they got around to asking him exactly what he remembered about the incident.

"Well," The silver-haired man began, "I woke up to the color green in a bush, discovered the secret hideout of a serial butcher who paints for a hobby, went sightseeing at Mount Rushmore, then got blinded. And that's when I meet Beruto-kun."

"Naruto."

"Whatever. But anything before that…nothing."

Tsunade tried to piece together the jumbled bits of information he gave, as idiotic as they sounded. "There really is nothing more we can do than to expose you to some familiar elements and hope that they jog your memory. Sasuke, since this was your plan, you're responsible for the team's daily agenda. For your first day, I suggest you work on some training; Do what you usually do, and maybe that'll be familiar enough for your sensei."

Sasuke nodded in acknowledgement.

"Erm, that didn't really work out the first time you tried it, remember?" Kaka-sensei pointed out, indicating his wounds.

"That was just a fluke, sensei!" Naruto exclaimed. "Normally an attack like that would just end up with Sasuke-teme's head on the ground."

"Wow, I sound pretty awesome. But exactly who am I?"

"You are Hatake Kakashi, the legendary Copy Ninja," explained Tsunade, "A natural genius from a young age and a skilled tactician, you have mastery over the legendary Sharingan eye. To our enemies, you are known as Sharingan Kakashi, the man of a thousand jutsu, each one copied from the opponents you have defeated. And, you are a loyal shinobi of the Village Hidden in the Leaves."

Not only was the teacher stunned, but his students as well. They'd never thought about their teacher that way before, but now, hearing it from the Hokage's own mouth, they began to realize just how incredible their sensei was. Kaka-sensei was beside himself with surprise.

"Wow." He said.

"Indeed. And that is only the surface of who-"

"That's plagiarism."

Tsunade looked at the man, confused by his words. "Pardon?"

"Are you sure my name isn't 'the Copyright Ninja'? Because I did copy 'a thousand jutsu' from people. How many lawsuits did I have to go through? No wonder I'm dirt poor. Geez, as if I didn't have enough copyright issues to deal with, what with all those near misses we have on the show. It's a wonder we're still running…Wait, what?" Kaka-sensei blinked, him and the rest of the room wondering what the hells he was talking about.

"Just…just go focus on your training," said a slightly bewildered Tsunade, ushering them out the door.

**... ... **

The trio of genin lead their befuddled sensei back to the training grounds in hopes of restoring the shattered pieces of his memory. For security measures, Tsunade sent her two personal gophers with them, Izumo and Kotetsu, who seemed overjoyed by the fact that they were getting out of doing the Hokage's bidding. The two Chūnin lazed around while keeping an eye out on Team Seven's training.

"Best. Job. EVER." Kotetsu sighed as he relaxed against a tree trunk. "No more sake runs or desk repairs. I'm kinda hoping Kakashi stays amnesiac so we can keep this job indefinitely."

"Don't say that!" Said Izumo, trying to find the least dirty spot in the field to sit on. "Hatake-san is an invaluable member of Konoha and is one of the brightest minds of our time. To lose the great Copy Ninja would be devastating for us. It's our job to keep him and his students safe while he's in this state. Besides, how many can say that they've protected _Sharingan Kakashi_ of all people?"

"You're right! He's gonna owe us big after this!"

"No, that's not what I-"

"I'd say it's worth at least a few rounds at the bar. And he's been on high-level missions with huge payouts, so he's gotta be loaded!"

"That is not what you do to a fellow Leaf shinobi!" Protested Izumo. "We can't just take advantage of the poor guy! This is our _job, _remember? We're getting paid for this, so he doesn't owe us anything!"

"You really need to learn to lighten up, Izu," grumbled Kotetsu, "After this, I'm takin' you to a bar and drowning you in sake…and maybe Hatake-san, too." He added after taking a glance at the training progress. It was not going well.

It seemed that not even his muscles held onto their memory, as poor Kaka-sensei was being pummelled by his cute little students. No matter what they tried, he just couldn't remember the way his body moved. It just all seemed _wrong_ to him, like something was missing.

Whenever he struck, his target was always out of reach, but for some reason, he _knew_ he should've brought it down. His arm was just too short. Whenever he blocked, his arms were just slightly off-center, but there should've been something there, protecting him. What could it be? What was missing?

"That's enough for today," Sasuke declared, panting slightly. They were all a little worn out, but none so much as Kaka-sensei. Cuts and bruises covered his body, and he was crouched in a corner, growing mushrooms. "Go home and get some rest. We'll try again tomorrow."

"You did great considering it's the first day, sensei," Sakura said consolingly, "You'll be back to yourself in no time!"

"Yeah, and once we get started on missions, you'll be kicking butt just like before!" Added Naruto.

"Thanks, you two," said Kaka-sensei with an eye-smile, "Now you'd better get home; with all the work you've done for me, you're bound to be exhausted." The white-haired man sent his students off with a wave. Once they were out of sight, he collapsed against a tree and sighed. He expected things to be hard, but not this terrible. Sasuke put him through some really simple drills, yet he couldn't even complete those.

After the amazing description that Hokage lady gave about him, it was terribly disheartening to realize that he may never return to his former self. And he still couldn't shake the feeling of emptiness he felt.

Kaka-sensei closed his eyes and tried to picture what he was missing. It was so close, flittering on the tip of his consciousness, but every time he tried to grab it, the image dissipates.

_What could it be? _He thought. _I can almost see it, I can feel it, but I can't reach it. _The man gave another heavy sigh.

"Seems like you had a rough day,"

Kaka-sensei jerked towards the source of the voice, and relaxed when he recognized one of the two Chūnin assigned as his bodyguards.

"You can say that again," he replied, "So was it as bad as I felt? Because I feel pretty bad."

Kotetsu (Kotatsu?) nodded. "No offense, sir, but I've seen Academy brats perform better. But I know a place where any man can feel like a king…"

* * *

><p><strong>Later, at a nearby bar…<strong>

"C'mon, Kotatsu-kun! One more! Just one more! Don't be a pansy, ya lightweight!"

"I *hic* can't…I…I gotta *hic*…I'm the designated driversh…" Kotetsu's words began slurring together with each cup of alcohol he downed. "I didn't realizsh *hic * you were dish good…*hic* Kaka-san…"

"That's 'Gin-sama' to you, Kotatsu-kun!" Kaka-sensei proclaimed with one foot on the table. His face was quite flushed already and his eyes were more droopy than usual.

"Hai, hai, all hail *hic* Silver-sama," Proclaimed Kotetsu, raising a glass, "Lord of the Booze, *hic* King of the Bar, *hic* Sultan of-"

"KO-TE-TSU!"

"-Shit!"

The Chūnin dropped his glass, suddenly sobered up by fear. Izumo crashed through the small bar's doorway, murder in his eyes.

"Where are you, ya lazy bastard? You stay out drinking this late even though you _know_ we have an assignment tomorrow? I am NOT dealing with your hangover during work!"

Kaka-sensei (and most of the people there) laughed as Kotetsu desperately tried to conceal himself beneath his stool, to little avail. "Uh-oh, looks like the missus is here to bring you back home! How nice it must be to have such a caring wife. HAHAHAHAHA!"

"There you are, dead-man!" Izumo heard Kaka-sensei's voice and made a beeline towards said dead-man. "Do you know how much time I've wasted looking for you? I must've been to twenty bars before I finally found you, you cockroach! I smell like cigarettes and booze! Is this what you want to spend your salary on? Take some responsibility for yourself! You're a grown man, for god's sake! And to drag Hatake-san into this, you ought to be ashamed- Eh? Hatake-san? Where did he go?"

'Gin-sama' was nowhere in sight, and once the bartender presented the bill, they knew why.

"KO. TE. TSUUUU!"

**... ...**

"Man, a midnight Ichiraiku snack sure is satisfying," Naruto sighed as he walked home, picking his teeth. It was a bit late to be out, but he just couldn't fall asleep. He kept thinking about his sensei's predicament. Sensei might've seen them off with a smile, but Naruto could see that it was faker than Konohamaru's retarded Box-jutsu. If Kaka-sensei was really troubled by this, then it was pretty bad. Naruto tried to think of many different solutions to fix his teacher's memory problem, but it just resulted in getting him hungry. So he figured maybe a good snack might get his mind going.

Still deep in thought, Naruto didn't notice what was in front of him and accidentally bumped into someone.

"Oops, sorry," he apologised, and tried to walk around, but the person blocked his path.

"Watch where you're goin' brat!" The man yelled angrily. There was the heavy stench of alcohol on him, and on his buddies, as Naruto took notice of the small group. It seems they recently got out of a bar, probably one of several that were littered in this area. And it was quite obvious they were drunk.

"Hey, I said I was sorry, what more do you want?" The boy replied irritably. It was really late, and he was already annoyed from lack of sleep and worrying about his teacher. He really didn't want to be here any longer.

"Oi, Yaiba, you gonna let this whelp disrespect ya like that?" Hollered one of the men, "Show 'em who's boss!"

"Hey I recognize him; It's the demon child!" Shouted another.

"You're right! It's that monster!"

Naruto gritted his teeth. So it was another one of _those_ situations, was it? He thought that by becoming a ninja, he could gain a bit more respect from the villagers, but it seems old habits die hard. No matter, he could take what these losers dish out. They were only civilians, after all, so he might have to go a bit easy on them-

WHAM!

A fist came flying at him so quick that he didn't even have time to dodge, and Naruto tumbled to the ground. His cheek was throbbing, but a quick check made sure nothing was really broken. He looked up, and saw the man, Yaiba standing over him. And he finally noticed the hitai-ate around the man's forehead.

"That was for my brother." Growled the man, "He's dead because of you!" He launched another attack, but this time, Naruto was ready for him. The boy quickly dodged the fist, and retaliated by launching a kick to the man's stomach. However, Yaiba proved to be more skilled than initially thought, because he caught the foot and sent the genin flying into an alley.

"A monster like you thinks it can attack humans? Well I guess it'll need to be put down." From the folds of his clothing, Yaiba pulled out a gleaming blade, the rest of his entourage following.

Naruto gasped as they approached. There was no way he could take on all of them at once! That man alone was probably a Chūnin level shinobi. All his ninja training had fled from him in his fear. He needed to run, but he was stuck in a dead end. The men raised their weapons, getting ready to attack…

"Oi, oi, what's this? First a pedophile in the bushes and now a bunch of grown men cornering a child with long pointy things? What is this world coming to?"

The group turned towards the voice, their target momentarily forgotten. Naruto tried to see who it was, but his view was blocked. The voice sounded familiar.

"Ha ha ha! Look at this permed loser!" Yaiba laughed and pointed his sword at the brazen newcomer. "Do you know who I am? I'm Yaiba, the Great Whirling Blade!" He made a sudden slash that had the stranger jump back, and the branch of a tree fell to the ground. It was cleanly severed from the trunk. "Walk away while I still feel like sparing your pathetic life."

Instead of running, the stranger picked up the branch, and began picking at the twigs and leaves growing on it, stripping it to its core.

"'Whirling Blade'? More like 'Rusted Blade'. Is chopping a tree and terrorizing children your idea of greatness? Then maybe you should get a job as a lumberjack. I hear lumberjacking is a great way to upgrade your 'rusted blade' to a 'shiny blade', so maybe then you wouldn't have to compensate so much with that sword of yours. Whatdaya say, Lumberjack-_san_?"

"How dare you! I'll take your apology outta your hide!"

"Be my guest," The man raised the stick he held, holding it in front of him. "Just be careful of splinters."

"Ha! You expect that piece of wood to be a match for my blade?"

"It's all I need to kick your ass."

That did it for Yaiba. This guy thought he could insult the great Whirling Blade and his Little Blade? He was going down! He charged at the man with a yell, slashing at him this way and that. But for some reason, the stranger was able to block each of his attacks effortlessly. No matter how he attacked, his opponent was able to dance around them. He was being toyed with!

Having enough of this, Yaiba unleashed his most powerful attack; Whirling Blade Barrage! His attacks increased in frequency and power as he channelled his chakra into his movements. He was literally a deadly whirlwind of blades. This guy was finished!

But no! His attacks were being blocked! Surprisingly still, he was being pushed back! This was impossible! His opponent was gaining strength and speed, becoming faster than even his Whirling Blade Barrage. But he sensed no chakra used by the man! What is this?

With a single blow, the stranger sent Yaiba flying into his buddies. They all stared at him in disbelief, that their great Yaiba could be beaten in a swordfight, with a stick, no less!

"What are you morons all standing around for?" Yelled the downed man, "Get him!"

With a mob mentality, his lackeys roared and charged at the stranger. A flicker, and the man disappeared. The group paused in their onslaught in confusion, seeing the lack of a target. Then their target reappeared, standing behind them, branch raised. A second passed, and every single one of the mob collapsed.

With the wall of bodies out of the way, Naruto had a clear view of his saviour. Those dead-fish eyes glinted sharper than usual, as his branch-sword was propped against his shoulder, slightly bloodied and battered. His mask was lowered, revealing a face as pale as his silvery hair glistening in the moonlight.

Yaiba, delusional from fear and intoxication, blurted out, "Are-are you…the White Fang?"

"There you go again with those lame nicknames, Lumberjack-san. What kind of a name is 'The White Fang'?" Kaka-sensei then smirked in a way that didn't make him look like Kaka-sensei at all. "No, you can call me, 'The White Demon'."

At his proclamation, Yaiba blanched and bolted away, screaming about demon swordsmen from Hell. Naruto tentatively approached his sensei-that-wasn't-his-sensei, and said "K-Kaka-sens-"

The man suddenly collapsed.

"Kaka-sensei!" The boy exclaimed. "Oh no, sensei! What's wrong?"

A loud snoring told him that his sensei had passed out, and a whiff of his pungent odour told him his sensei had passed out drunk. He couldn't leave the man sleeping on the street, could he? Naruto tried to lift his drunken teacher, but nearly collapsed under the weight, then smacked himself when he remembered his Shadow Clone Jutsu. Conjuring up some doubles, he carried the man a ways down the street, when he realized he had no clue as to where his sensei lived. He had no choice but to bring his sensei home. *sigh* _What a night…_

* * *

><p><strong>Notes: All my fics have a prevailing topic of discussion here, <strong>**EXCEPT THIS ONE. Come on, Brain, _think! THINK!_ What is clever and funny that will get readers to review your story if nothing but to answer to your stupidity? Hmm...oh, I know! MegaMan NT Warrior! You guys watch that show? Yes? No? Well, I think it's pretty neat (for a children's cartoon about Internet terrorism). ****And I've got a few 'theories' on the main character's 'friendships' with 'certain people'. Alrighty then. Buonanotte!**

**- Chindu, Prince of Darkness**_  
><em>


	4. Chapter 4: Being Colorblind Helps You

**Identity Theft is a Serious Problem**

* * *

><p><strong>This chapter was brought to you in part by Fever-and-Drug-Fueled Hallucinations. Remember: If it's not drug-fueled, it's worth jack-shit.<strong>

**Disclaimer: Naruto and Gintama are the properties of their respective owners. Fever-and-Drug-Fueled Hallucinations are produced specifically by Chindu**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 4: Being Colorblind Can Help You Get Out of Paying Red-Light Speeding Tickets<strong>

It was the dull throbbing in his skull that woke him up.

Blearily, he cracked open his eyes, but shut them quickly as light struck his sensitive pupils. He let out a groan, and forced himself to a sitting position. He rubbed his face to loosen it from lethargy.

"Ugh…What happened last night?" He said to himself. He tried to recall what occurred, but it only resulted in more throbbing pains. Failing that, he tried to get a grasp on his surroundings. He was in a small room, probably an apartment or something. It was horribly cluttered and messy, with bundles of clothing and ramen cups littered all over the floor.

"Where am I?" He wondered. "And why am I naked? Why am I getting a sense of déjà vu? And plagiarism?"

A sudden movement caught his eye and he noticed the strange lump in the mass of blankets next to him. He lifted the covers to see what it was, and found a nude blonde chick with pigtails. He covered it back up. He connected the dots and began sweating bullets.

_Hey, what is this? N-no way…Really? Wait, d-does this mean…I'VE UPPED THE RATING TO MATURE? I've made a HUGE mistake because I was drunk!...Okay, okay, c-calm down. Remember what happened yesterday. It's likely nothing happened...I CAN'T REMEMBER A THING! Wait, more importantly, who is this? Maybe she's only a figment of my imagination! Yeah, there's no way I'd be drunk enough to knock up an underage girl. It's just my fantasy acting up…_

He lifted the sheet up again, and still found the same nude blonde chick. He let the blanket drop.

_Fuck._

…

_Ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshito hshitoh shit ohshit ohshi tohshit ohshi toh shitoh shito hshit WTF? ? ! !  
><em>

He started going into shock.

_She looks barely a day over sixteen! I've become a criminal! This jailbait's gonna spell the end of Gintama'! Wait, what's that? I STILL DON'T REMEMBER!_

"Mmm…_Sensei_, you're up so early…aren't you tired from _last night?_" The blonde stirred under the covers and poked her head out. She rubbed the sand out of her eyes and batted their long lashes at him.

_Ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit ohshit_

"Ah, h-ha ha, well, I'm sorry; I don't really _remember_ what happened last night…" he confessed. _Why am I apologizing? I sound like a creep!_ His heart plunged down to his stomach at the scandalized look on her face.

"Y-you mean you don't even remember what you _did?_ Y-you mean last night was just some sort of…_passing memory_ for you? After, after _that_, well, I thought…I finally became a woman…oh, _Sensei!_ You _brute!_ I trusted you because you said you were a teacher! How could you!" She dissolved into tears, burying her face in her dainty little hands. Kaka-sensei jumped out of bed and kowtowed the ground so fast his forehead bled.

"P-Please forgive me! Sensei is a criminal! I don't deserve to be called a teacher! They should revoke my teaching license immediately! I deserve to be hauled off to jail! I am a despicable person for taking advantage of a young and pretty girl like you! I promise to take responsibility for whatever happens in the future! Like if you become a teenage mom, I'll look after the baby when you go to school. I'll pay child support! But if my teaching license gets revoked, I don't know how I'll get a job and earn the money we need. Maybe I'll take up lumber jacking..."

His apology trailed off as the girl began to laugh hysterically and rolled around in the covers. There was a poof of smoke and a loud POP! and an orange-clad ninja boy took the place of the girl, still laughing out loud.

"PFFF HA HA HA HA! Oh my god! Your face! *wheeze* YOUR FACE! Your reaction was priceless! I should've bought a camera! Ha ha ha ha!"

Kaka-sensei sat there on the ground in shock for a few moments, before collecting the shattered remnants of his dignity and silently focused on locating his garments, after which he would begin to pummel his beloved student to death.

"Ha-ha, laugh it up, brat." He cautioned, pulling his mask back on. "Nearly gave me a heart-attack. You're lucky I don't remember how to kick your ass; otherwise it would've been kicked."

"But Sensei, you do! You do!" Naruto paused in his mirth to explain it to him. "Last night you were super cool! You beat up these Chūnin thugs with only a stick! You don't remember because you were drunk and then passed out. I had to carry you all the way here to my place." The boy beamed at his accomplishment, expecting praise. He didn't get any.

"Yeah, you carry me back here only to humiliate me further. God, kids these days. Although, kudos to you for being thorough; you even went so far as to strip a grown man naked."

"You did that yourself; when we got here, you started shouting about skinny dipping in a government dog's mayonnaise and started stripping. After that, you passed out on the bed. I had to sleep on the couch."

Kaka-sensei sighed. "Well, at least I found out that I'm schooled in the art of Drunken Fist. Now I just need to carry a few bottles of sake with me at all times. Is there a bar open this early?"

Naruto shook his head, "You can't do that, Sensei. Rock Lee's already got drunk-fu covered. But what you did last night was more like…kendo. I've never seen you use a katana before. Is it some hidden power you've unlocked because your brain's all scrambled? That's awesome!"

The man sighed again. He was way too hung-over to deal with the kid by himself. "Why don't we meet up with Sakura-chan and Biscuit-kun to discuss that with them? Oh, and uh, let's keep this little incident between ourselves, shall we? I'll throw in a Jump."

"Make it a ramen and I'll think about it."

"Fine. But only if you show me that sex-change jutsu."

Due to their fiasco, they were, of course, late. And they had to, of course, endure the Pink-Haired Terror. But Naruto's story gave them some respite, as it was a step towards recovering their mentor's memories.

"Kendo is one of the things we haven't been trained too intensely on," mused Sasuke, "It's usually too flashy for ninja and it takes longer to finish off an enemy than stealth tactics would. And I've never seen you use a sword." He crossed his arms and glared at the man in question, like it was his fault for not telling them.

"There are a lot of things we don't know about Sensei, Sasuke-kun," said Sakura, "For all we know, he could've trained in swordsmanship. Maybe all Jōnin do."

"Apparently I become Zolo when I get drunk…uh…whoever that is. Hey, here's an idea; let's test that theory out!" He was about to run to another bar before a thrown kunai stopped him.

"Let's not." Sasuke suggested rather persuasively. "We're getting some bokuto to validate Naruto's story. I'm sure the bladesmith has some we can use."

**... ...**

The One-Stop Sword-Shop wasn't too far from the training grounds, and was the choice place for all your ninja needs, according to the sign. Kaka-sensei and his entourage entered the store and he and the others wandered around as Sasuke went to find the owner. He passed by rows of polished kunai all neatly lined up and piles of discount shuriken. There were blades of all kinds sold here, displayed proudly on their stands. But none of them caught his eye. They were just cold steel forged into a different shape. The owner came out and led them towards the bokuto section.

"We have a very nice selection of training swords, all made with the best quality wood from beech to cherry. I think you'll find these to be quite sturdy for any type of sparring."

"Can they cut through metal?" Kaka-sensei suddenly asked. The owner stared at him, as did the genin.

"Er, I'm afraid not, sir. That's quite impossible, even with a steel sword. But I doubt anyone would take a bokuto into battle. Here, why don't you give them a swing? Take them for a test run."

Kaka-sensei tried, and tried, and tried. And each time, he rejected it. They all felt off. This one was too long, that one too wide. This one too heavy, that one had a weird tattoo on the end of it. Before long, they had gone through the store's entire selection. And still, he wasn't satisfied.

"Geez, Sensei, just pick one already." Naruto whined. "I'm getting hungry and you promised to pay for my ramen!"

"It's just a practise sword," said Sasuke, also getting irritated by the slow pace, "We'll be getting you a real one if you're good with it anyways. No need to spend this much time on a wooden sword."

"You don't understand," their Sensei said defensively, "None of these feel right. It's like having a sock you've been wearing on your right foot be worn on your left foot; it feels awkward, it doesn't fit, and there are these odd bits sticking out."

"Did you just make an analogy using socks?"

"Are you trying to find one that can cut through metal, Sensei?" Asked Sakura. "You know that's impossible, right?"

"I know, I know, I was just kidding when I said that." _But I've done it before, _he thought, _I remember the feeling, the movements, the sound…Why? _There was a sense of urgency that pushed him to find the right sword (_his _sword?) as soon as possible. But why was it so important?

"Let's try another store then," Sasuke suggested "Maybe we'll have more luck somewhere else."

Kaka-sensei turned away, dejected, when something caught his eye. There, leaning next to the trashcan, almost hidden from view, was a bokuto he hadn't tried yet. It was beat up and chipped in some places, and had a pungent odor of curry. The worn words of "Lake Toya" was inscribed on the handle. It looked ready to be thrown out. But when he grasped it, he knew it was perfect.

"What's _that?_" Asked Naruto, pinching his nose. "It smells like week old curry…and there's curry stains on it!"

"Sensei, don't touch that! It might have germs!" Exclaimed Sakura.

The owner came over to them. "Sir, I really don't think you'd want that. I found it the other day in my yard. The only redeeming feature is that it squirts out soy sauce, but the curry smell was just too overbearing. I was about to throw it away."

"So…that means it's free, right?" Asked Kaka-sensei. His students looked horrified.

"Sensei, you can't possibly be thinking of keeping that…_thing_!"

"It's making my eyes water!"

"It won't even last one hit and then we're gonna have to come back and get another one!"

"Hey," The silver-haired man shrugged "'One man's trash is another man's treasure', right? And I'm recycling. You need to take better care of Mother Nature, kids. The three R's, remember? 'Reduce, Reuse, Rumpelstiltskin'."

"What's Rumpelstiltskin have to do with anything? !"

"Why, he's the paragon of recycling! You know that old story, where Rumpelstiltskin recycles straw into gold? If everyone could do that, imagine what a wonderful world this would be!"

"Your head's the only thing that's imagining things," said Sasuke, "But, are you _sure_ that's what you want to use?" He asked his eccentric teacher. The man looked at him with a conviction that seemed out of place on his usually laid-back visage.

"Positive."

Kaka-sensei exited the shop feeling satisfied. The shop owner even threw in a free sword strap for saving him the junkman's fee. The silver-haired man promptly tied it around his waist like a belt and proudly hung his new(?) weapon from it. All was right in the world.

"Alright," said Sasuke, back at the training grounds, "We're going to test your reflex instincts with that thing. A light sparring will let me gauge your proficiency." He readied himself with a kunai in each hand and faced his teacher. "Let's see if what the dumbass said was true." Kaka-sensei smirked and drew his bokuto.

Sasuke narrowed his eyes, and in a flash, bolted towards his sensei. As he neared the man, the Uchiha raised his knives and prepared to-

_Squirt, squirt._

A small, steady stream of soy-sauce flew from the tip of the cruddy bokuto onto Sasuke's face, drenching him in dark liquid. Sasuke's deadpanned expression stared back at the dead-fish eye of his teacher. The boy lowered his kunai as the stream of soy-sauce trickled down to nothing. The pungent smell of soy-sauce still lingered in the air.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!"

"Ah, sorry, sorry," The silver-haired man tried to placate the enraged genin while and Naruto rolled on the floor clutching his sides. "It's just that this thing was reeking of curry, and that got me thinking that I hadn't eaten anything since last night, and I could've really used some curry, or better yet, strawberry parfait, but parfaits aren't really filling, and I remembered my doctor telling me to lay off the sweets or else my balls will explode, and I didn't want that, so I decided that soba noodles would be better for my diabetes, but I needed some soy-sauce, and my hand slipped and pressed the button." Kaka-sensei pressed the button again for good measure and a tiny drop of the sauce flew onto Sasuke's forehead.

At this point, it took the strength of both Sakura and Naruto to hold the boy back to prevent him from killing their sensei. Again.

"This is getting us nowhere!" Sasuke exclaimed, once he calmed down a bit. Most of the sauce was cleaned up, but there was still the smell to deal with. "You need to take this more seriously! What will you do if we're suddenly ambushed by-"

"Prepare yourself, My Eternal Rival!"

Kaka-sensei looked in alarm as the faces of his pupils lost all their color.

"Oh god…why is HE here?"

"Kotetsu-san's in the hospital and Izumo-san's on probation for putting him in the hospital. They needed a replacement as our guard."

"And out of all the shinobi in Konoha, they had to pick _him_?"

"He volunteered!"

"At least Bushy-Brows Jr. is away on a mission. Thank heavens for small miracles."

"Hey, what's going on?" Kaka-sensei asked, confused by the horrified and repulsed looks on Team Seven's faces. He found out soon enough.

Out of the trees jumped a walking fashion disaster. A man wearing a full-body green jumpsuit and sporting a shiny bowl-cut hairdo posed dramatically against a fiery background ("Where'd he get a background?"). The light that was reflected from his teeth glared painfully into their retinas. The bright-orange leg warmers were enough to put even Naruto's outfit to shame. Then it began to _talk_.

"Ahh, my Eternal Rival! When I heard about your plight from Our Glorious Leader Hokage-sama, I knew that I needed to be the one to help rescue the shattered pieces of your mind from the darkness. I know that my Eternal Flames of Youth will be enough to banish the darkness clouding your mind and bring back your memories to the Springtime of Youth! Fear not, for Konoha's Beautiful Green Beast is here! Also, check out my pearly whites!" It flashed its teeth again.

Kaka-sensei blinked a few times before blankly asking, "Eh? Who are you? Should I be beating you up? Because I really feel like beating you up."

"Ah! Curse you, my Rival, for retaining that Hip and Cool vibe even though you've forgotten everything else!" Said the thing in the leotard.

"So who are you supposed to be?" Asked Kaka-sensei. "You look like a Bruce, but you act like a Jackie. But if you're a Jackie, then there should be at least a Chris or an Owen with you. But I don't see any here, so that must make you a Bruce. But I don't feel like calling you a Bruce, so you must be a Jackie. So what do you want, Jackie?"

"It saddens me to hear that you've even forgotten the name of your Eternal Rival, Maito Gai!" 'Jackie' did a dramatic faint. "But fear not! For I have a solution to your dilemma! I have a theory in which if we were to immerse you in your daily activities, the exposure of such familiarity will jog the dormant passion within you and restore you to your former self! And the perfect activity to do this would be a competition between our Flames of Youth! And since you are rather mentally handicapped, I'll even let you pick the challenge this time." Gai finished up with his signature 'nice guy pose'.

"A competition, eh? Well, I guess it can't be helped." Kaka-sensei shrugged. "Alright then, now what kind of challenge would be suitable…hmm…Ah! How about a full lap around the village outskirts with our eyes closed?"

"With our eyes closed?"

"That way we can train for endurance _and_ reflexes at the same time." Explained the silver-haired man. "It should be easy for you, Jackie-kun, since you must know the layout of the village so well. It's in return for letting me pick the challenge."

"Kakashi, I never knew you could be so noble," Gai gushed as twin waterfalls erupted from his eyes. "Alright, challenge accepted. And if I were to lose, I shall do five hundred push-ups with my tongue!"

"Excellent!" Kaka-sensei clapped his hands together cheerfully. "Now let's begin. First one back here is the winner. Sakura-chan, if you would kindly do the honors?"

Sakura raised an arm as the two Jōnin got into position.

"Ready…set…Go!"

A cloud of dust plumed at the starting line, caused by an explosive takeoff. The genin had to cover their faces to prevent themselves from inhaling dirt.

"Man, I can't believe Sensei agreed to that," said Naruto, coughing slightly. "He's gonna totally lose! Why would pick such a disadvantageous challenge?"

"Because he's turned into an idiot." Said Sasuke.

"Now, now, what did I say about calling Sensei an idiot? Biscuit-kun?"

The three kids peered through the dissipating dust cloud and saw the form of their sensei standing there.

"Kaka-sensei!" exclaimed Sakura, "What are you doing! Gai-sensei will have a huge lead on you if you don't start soon!"

"Are you kidding me? There's no way I can navigate through this place with my eyes closed and on an empty stomach."

"So you're gonna forfeit?"

"Not exactly…" said Kaka-sensei, "How long do you think it'll take for him to finish?"

"Um, probably around thirty minutes?"

"Excellent! Just enough time for me to eat. Come on, I saw this great soba stand on the way over here."

**... ...**

**Thirty Minutes Later**

**... ...  
><strong>

"Man, does it feel good to be full!" Kaka-sensei burped through his mask. "And uh, thanks, Sasuke-kun, for footing the bill. I'll pay you back…someday."

He got a growl in reply from the black-haired genin. Team Seven returned to the training grounds, where Kaka-sensei promptly pulled out his Jump magazine and immersed himself in it. The kids were about to question his actions, when they spied a fast-moving object heading towards them.

Maito Gai came at them full-speed, sporting a determined expression on his face and various bruises over his person. He skidded to a screeching stop right in front of Kaka-sensei.

"Man, took you long enough. I've been waiting _ages_ for you to finish." Team Seven gaped in disbelief as they watched their teacher skillfully lie through his teeth.

"How…did…you finish…*gasp*…before me?" Gai asked while taking in lungfuls of air. "Don't tell me you remembered the village's layout during the race?"

"Well, they say you never really forget anything you remember, and I _am_ a genius after all, so…"

The genin couldn't believe their teacher was doing this, and they really couldn't believe anyone would fall for this. They were proven wrong.

"Alright then, Kakashi. I shall accept my defeat. Clearly, your Flames of Youth have out shone mine this day. I shall not lose to you next time! As promised, I will five hundred push-ups with my tongue! Care to join me?"

Kaka-sensei declined the offer and led his shell-shocked students away from the training grounds.

"Sensei…"started Sakura, still in disbelief at the trick her teacher just pulled, "That…that was…"

"Awesome!" Shouted Naruto. "I can't believe Bushy-Brows-sensei fell for it!"

"Don't encourage him, Naruto! It was very un-sportsmanship of you, Kaka-sensei!" Sakura scolded him.

"Cut me some slack here, Sakura-chan! I technically didn't say that I won; Jackie just assumed. Any you know what they say, 'Assuming makes a Jack-ass out of you'. Although, now that I think about it, he _does_ look more like a Bruce. Anyways, isn't this what being part of the Snail Cult is all about? Subterfuge, intrigue, 'look underneath the undergrowth…cuz that's probably where those damn kids hid your doormat', that kind of thing." Kaka-sensei mused wisely.

"I hate to admit it, but he's right," said Sasuke, "And it seems you've regained some of your memories. We've still got more work ahead of us, but I think I can report back to Tsunade-sama and ask to go on some missions. God knows you need the money." He directed his accusing gaze at the man, who used his magazine to deflect the death-stare. "It's getting late, so let's call it a day. We meet same time tomorrow. _Don't be late._"

The team parted ways. Sasuke began heading back to the compound, when he noticed Kaka-sensei following him.

"What is it?" He asked irritably.

The man rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "Well, you see, I don't really have a place to sleep tonight. I bunked with Naruto-kun last night, but the little brat's sped off, and Sakura-chan's out of the question."

"Don't you have your own apartment?"

"Uh, no one's really told me where that is, unless you happen to know?"

Sadly, Sasuke admitted to himself that even he didn't know where Kakashi's apartment was. It wasn't like the guy ever invited them over or anything. Even when training for the Chūnin exams, they always met at a specified place or Kakashi just came over to the Uchiha compound. Surprisingly, he knew his way around the place. But Sasuke has never been to his teacher's address. This left him with little options. The Uchiha sighed and grudgingly told the man he could stay for the night at his place. Kaka-sensei gave him a cheerful eye-smile and patted his head.

"I knew I could count on you, Biscuit-kun!" He said, oblivious to the killing aura coming from Biscuit. Sasuke was beginning to regret it already.

* * *

><p><strong>Notes: Hey, so remember four months ago when I said I'd rant about the MegaMan anime? I'll do that next time. But I will say this: Chaud is a total douchebag. Cheers.<strong>

**- Chindu, Prince of Darkness**


	5. Chapter 5: When in Doubt, BANKAI!

**Identity Theft is a Serious Problem**

* * *

><p><strong>My life is over. OVER. Why? I'll tell you why, even though you probably don't care. You been on the Internet recently? You been reading stories like this recently? Well, then you may have noticed something missing from your daily Monday schedule...IT'S ENDED! Gintama's ended! The greatest anime what ever graced the airwaves...IS NEVERMORE! Why...oh why...oh boo hoo...boo hoo hoo...they didn't even get to the maniacal golden-haired Gintoki gigolo-robot [validation needed]! Oh, woe is me...hmm...Oh well, there's still Blea- NOOOOOOOOOO!<strong>

**Disclaimer: ICHIGOOOOO!**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 5: When in doubt, BANKAI!<strong>

On the outskirts of the village, hidden in a small copse deep in the woods, two figures convened a meeting. Their long coats hid any defining features and their hoods were pulled over their heads, shrouding their faces in shadow. One was slightly taller than the other, and spoke in a deep masculine voice laced with a strange tinny echo.

"This is where you tracked him to? This filthy village?" The tall figure asked, disgust obvious in his tone. "Figures, that vermin would hide with its own kind. This entire planet is riddled with them."

The shorter figure bowed deeply before replying with the same strange voice. "Yes master. I followed the trail of the ship to here, and there is no indication that he has left."

"The artifact will be here. You know how to find it. I would do it myself, but as much as I would like to disintegrate this entire eyesore of a hovel, I need you to be discrete. It wouldn't do to have our departure delayed with the extermination of a planet. I'll do that at a later time. I want to leave this dirtball as soon as possible."

"Understood, master. I will strike tonight. What shall I do if I come into contact with the locals?"

"Kill them, and any in your way."

The servant nodded and with a rustle of fabric, the figures vanished.

* * *

><p>"Sa-Sa-Sasuke-kun?"<p>

"What?" The boy answered gruffly, not even bothering to turn his head as he made his way towards the Uchiha compound gate.

"Have I ever told you how much you mean to me?"

An eye twitched. "No."

"Well, that's surprising, because you are the most talented and wonderful student I have ever had the pleasure of teaching. Even though I've technically only known you for two days, I already see myself as a father-figure for you. I'm sure my previous self thought the same but didn't want the others to get jealous."

"What do you want?" Sasuke asked suspiciously.

"*gasp* I'm insulted that you would think I have a hidden agenda- adopt me."

Sasuke blinked, not sure he heard correctly"…What?"

"Adopt me into the Uchiha family!" Pleaded the silver-haired man. "Look at this place! You're loaded! Surely you can spare a few bucks on the adoption fees? I could be your estranged uncle who rents the basement, mooching off the family, doing nothing but read Jump and eat sweets all day, but has a strange charm all to his own and often teaches you valuable life lessons. Or I could be your brother from another mother! Every kid wants an older brother to protect them from bullies and to teach them about the wonders of booze-"

"Shut up." The glare leveled at the man was as cold and piercing as ice. There was a barely contained rage hidden behind those eyes that stopped Kaka-sensei from speaking any further. But a moment passed and the rage disappeared. Sasuke knew it was pointless to be angry, but the subject of family, of older brothers, was a sore spot. He couldn't be angry at the man, who barely knew his own name. But any mention of that _monster_ tore open the wounds from that night, stirring up a whirlwind of emotion. The Uchiha sighed, and calmed himself. "You're going to wake the neighbors." He said to his amnesiac teacher. "You can talk once we're inside the compound; there's nobody there for you to bother."

As Sasuke lead Kaka-sensei through the dark streets of the Uchiha complex, the man couldn't help but feel something off about the place. All the windows were darkened or boarded off, and there were no people on the streets, even though it was still the earlier stages of dusk. The only people there were him, and the lone boy who walked in front of him. Their footsteps echoed off the empty buildings.

"Man, I can only imagine the parties you hold here, Biscuit-kun," Kaka-sensei broke the suffocating silence, draping his arm across Sasuke's shoulders. The boy stiffened at the contact and tried to shy away from the offending limb, but found himself in a headlock. The man may have lost his memories, but he sure didn't lose his strength. He was stuck like this, listening to the man's inane ramblings about inviting the whole village down for a 'party of epic proportions' and pestering him to reveal the location of a supposed 'booze stash'. He scoffed. Like his father would have anything like that. Aside from the occasional jug of sake drunken during celebrations, his father was strict on the amount of alcohol content allowed in the house. Usually it was his uncles and cousins that brought the stuff during dinners, so there'd be a better chance of finding it in their houses.

"Oh? And where would their houses be located? Not that I'm going on a booze hunt. I just want to brush up my skills for my orienteering club."

Kaka-sensei's inquiry made Sasuke realize that he'd said all that out loud. Angry at himself for keeping focused, Sasuke grumbled and announced that they'd arrived at his house. After directing Kaka-sensei to the guest room, Sasuke retreated to his own. Lying on his futon, his mind went over thoughts about his sensei. There was just something about that man that made him open up, even though he had spent years closing himself off to society at large. He was supposed to focus on one thing only; restoring the Uchiha clan and getting revenge against his cursed brother. But being around Kakashi, and Team Seven in general, was making him soft. He did childish things like argue and fight with Naruto and join Sakura in scolding their tardy mentor. He let himself relax with Kaka-sensei around. He shouldn't be distracted like this! He should be concentrated on training and honing his skills for the confrontation with Itachi.

Sasuke closed his eyes with a sigh. He needed to get Kakashi back to his original self, so he could finish his training. This was all just an unnecessary hassle. The sooner Kakashi got his memories back, the sooner Sasuke can find his brother.

Sasuke suddenly woke with a start. He didn't know when he had fallen asleep, but something had woken him before his usual time. He glanced at the clock, showing it was two o'clock in the morning. It was still too early for him to be up. Why would he-

A noise in the hallway made him turn his head sharply. There were people in the house. Kaka-sensei wouldn't make this much noise just to relieve himself. A sudden dread washed over him as he recalled Tsunade's words; Kakashi had many dangerous enemies, and in the state he was in, there was no way he could confront them and survive. Grabbing a pair of kunai from his bed stand, Sasuke activiated his Sharingan and was able to detect two distinct chakra signatures inside the house, one of which was very faint. This meant whoever broke in had already subdued the jonin. He was alive, so that was a good sign. But Sasuke still felt an uneasiness in the pit of his stomach. Was he actually concerned for the man?

He adjusted his weapons in his palms, moist with nervous sweat. The Uchiha steeled himself and quietly snuck along the hallway towards the kitchen, where the signatures originated. He could hear muffled voices and the thumping footsteps of the intruder. Sasuke gripped his weapons tightly in his hands with each step he took. He approached the kitchen door, hoping the element of surprise would give him an edge over-

"Noshink to report here, *hic* Gin-sama." The voice sounded very familiar. In fact, he heard it every time he visited the Hokage's Tower.

"It's not Gin-sama; It's _Captain_ Gin-sama to you, First Mate Kotatsu." That was the voice of his teacher, and Sasuke will never tell anyone of the relief he felt when he heard it. He will, however, tell anyone who would listen of his fury when he witnessed the scene in his kitchen. Kakashi Hatake, elite jonin of the Village Hidden in the Leaves, ex-ANBU agent, master of the Sharingan and infamous throughout the Five Great Shinobi Nations, was standing on Sasuke's dinner table, chugging a bottle of sake. Kotetsu was cheering him on, and Izumo was passed out in a corner, his hand still clutching a bottle. There were empty jugs littered all over the place, and the entire kitchen reeked of alcohol. It was a scene that would've made Tsunade proud.

"Cap-Cap'n," Kotetsu slurred through his drunken stupor, "Why's I gotta be the…the Firsht Mate? Wha abou'…Iz-Iz-Izzie? I thought he wuz…the Mate?"

"Aye, it seems we've lost former First Mate Izzie to the clutches of Low Alcohol Tolerance." Kaka-sensei seemed no worse for wear, if a little rosy around the cheeks. "A shame, it is. But we will press onwards! In honor of his memory, I will become King of the Pirates!"

"I thought we wuz looking for a booze stash?"

"Ya drink enough and both will start to sound the same. Now, hoist the mainsails! Pull anchor! Swab the poop deck and bring me that booze!"

"Aye-Aye, *hic* Cap'n!" Kotetsu saluted, and passed out.

"Tsk tsk, there goes another one. Pity, he was a good man." Kaka-sensei hung his head in reverence.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? !"

Sasuke's angry yell pulled the white-haired man from his moment of silence. "Ah, perfect! I was just looking for a new First Mate. Come, New First Mate Biscuit-kun! We're gonna celebrate ex-First Mate Kotatsu-kun's release from the hospital, and continue our quest to become King of the Booze!" He took a swig from his sake bottle, and collapsed beside Kotetsu.

Sasuke stared at the drunk and unconscious form of his sensei in disbelief. How could a simple case of memory loss change a man this much? He went from a reserved, distant, and slightly eccentric mentor to a bat-shit crazy miscreant with no regards for social standards or personal space. How could he have even been worried for this…this…immature man-child? With a scowl that could have curdled milk, the Uchiha boy stormed from the kitchen. He was going to make them pay; in the morning, they'll clean the entire complex, regardless of the massive hangover they'll be sure to have. Sasuke needed to wake up bright and early to put those idiots through hell.

With a sigh, he deactivated his Sharingan and walked back to his room. As he neared it, he sensed a person walking down the corridor.

"I thought I told you there isn't any alcohol in this house?" Sasuke stated angrily. The person stopped. "I don't know where you got those bottles in the kitchen, but let's make one thing clear, Kakashi: No more drinking in my-"

His words were cut off by a knife aimed at his throat. Only his training and reflexes saved him from bleeding out on the floor. He instinctively jumped back and brought up his own weapons, just in time to block the next attack. The blow was heavy enough to make him falter, and that served as an opening for the attacker to kick him through the wall. Sasuke let out a cry as he crashed into his bedroom, his back hitting the wall with a loud thud.

Ignoring the pain that racked his body, Sasuke quickly fell into a fighting stance and reactivated his eyes, trying to locate his opponent. It was painfully clear that this wasn't Kaka-sensei. Who was attacking him and why? He didn't bother asking outloud, but his musings were cut off as it didn't take long for the enemy to appear through the newly-made entrance in the wall. His swirling eyes widened at what he saw. This person had no chakra signature! How was this possible? Even untrained civilians had detectable signatures. The only things that didn't were the dead. Just what the hell was this? Sasuke had to squint his eyes when something suddenly flared to life in his opponent's hand. The blade they used to attack with was now glowing with a sickly green light. It sparked along the edge of the blade like a chakra-infused weapon, but still he could detect no use of it. The light allowed Sasuke to briefly take note of the weapon's strange design; the blade had a foreign shape that he'd never seen before, curved and jagged with deep ruts running along the sides. It was an instrument made to cause maximum damage and pain. Its wielder was cloaked in a dark robe, with a faint pattern etched along the edges. A hood covered the head, but from the body's build, Sasuke guessed it was a man.

This was all the information he could process, for in the next second, his attacker came at him. With inhuman speed, the intruder closed the distance between them and lashed out with the strange weapon. Again, the boy tried to block with his kunai, but his eyes widened in surprise as the glowing blade melted through the metal dagger like hot knife through butter. And it kept on cutting, right through his shoulder. A burning pain tore a scream from him, but he kept on moving, wrenching himself away from the weapon.

The green energy had cauterized the wound as it burned through him, but his right arm was now useless. Grasping his shoulder, Sasuke cursed himself for not learning how to cast one-handed jutsus. His breathing was uneven, drawing ragged breaths as he backed away from the assailant. His heel touched the wall and he knew he was cornered. Armed with only a single kunai and sporting several wounds, Sasuke desperately searched for an escape route. He hoped the noise was enough to wake his teacher and give him enough time for him and the others to get reinforcements.

A gloved hand reached out and gripped him by the throat. He choked as he was pinned against the wall, struggling to free himself from the iron-like grip. The boy's vision was starting to darken, black spots clouding his sight. But the glow of the wretched blade was clearly visible, raised and poised to strike. Sasuke gritted his teeth, and braced himself for the inevitable. Was this it then? The final end of the mighty Uchiha clan? The vengence of his dead family would go unfulfilled, and his brother would walk free. Once he was finished with him, the intruder would go on to kill his sensei- NO! He couldn't die here! He WON'T die here, in the same place where his parents were slaughtered. He needed to kill his brother. He needed to protect Kaka-sensei!

"Oi oi, didn't we use this scene already? We've gotta change things up a little, or people will start to think we're running out of material."

Kaka-sensei's voice drifted from behind the intruder, and in the next instant, the pressure on his throat was gone, replaced by a strong hand supporting him. He looked up and saw his mentor, wooden sword drawn and pointed at the intruder, who was knocked back on the floor. It might have been the pain muddling with his senses, but when Sasuke looked at his teacher, he could've sworn it was a whole other person.

With his mask off, Kakashi seemed like a total stranger, his pale face revealing an dual emotions of determination and righteous fury. The usual half-lidded eye was narrowed in a piercing glare, and _when did Kakashi have a Sharingan in his right eye?_ Indeed, his exposed eye was a deep blood-red, the same color as Sasuke's own activated eyes. But where was the swirling tomoe? The Uchiha attributed it to a trick of the light and to his own pain-filled delirium. The thought to investigate more about Kaka-sensei's eyes was filed away for later, if there was a later. For now, he needed to get him away from here.

"Run, you idiot!" Sasuke shouted, worried the intruder might come to any second. "Run and get help! This guy's too strong for you! Get away from here! I can still hold him off for a few seconds so-!"

A heavy hand patted his head, a motion that surprised and irritated him at the same time.

"Leave this one to the grown-ups, kid. And although I am still a boy at heart, I need to live up to my pride as a man. Running away isn't going to do much for that. I'm sorry you got hurt, but I'll be sure to pay this bastard back tenfold. Just let me protect what's in front of me."

Sasuke could only stare as his sensei left his side and prepared to face the enemy, who by this time had gotten up to his feet and held his glowing blade at the ready. He was about to charge in, to make his teacher come to his senses, when Sasuke noticed that something about the intruder changed when he saw Kaka-sensei. It was slight, but the cloaked intruder had taken up a defensive stance and started to back away from his teacher. When fighting with the Uchiha, the stranger was quick to attack, and showed no hesitation. Was this fear he was showing?

"Shiroyasha." The low growl spat out the word like a curse. His voice sounded odd, like it was spoken through a tin can. "Why are you here?"

So this man knew Kakashi. But what's with 'Shiroyasha'? Sasuke had never heard of this name. But then again, there were many things he didn't know about his teacher.

"I'm here to rock and roll all night, and party every day. What about you?" Kaka-sensei countered. "Breaking and entering into a young boy's room; What are you, a vampire? A stalker? Are you a stalker-vampire? Eh? You stalkpire!"

Instead of answering, the intruder chose to attack, lunging with his weapon. Kaka-sensei evaded with surprising ease, side-stepping the attack and striking with his own bokuto. Again, using his unnatural speed, the intruder dodged just in time, but the silver-permed ninja kept step-in-step with him, matching his speed. The wooden sword slashed through the air and the enemy grunted in pain as it made contact. With just one blow, Kaka-sensei brought his opponent to his knees.

But the stranger wasn't finished just yet. The green blade lashed out, but the silver-permed man blocked it with his sword. Sasuke was about to warn him of the blade's burning capabilities when suddenly, the bokuto itself started emitting a bright yellow aura. It surrounded the wooden sword, protecting it from the burning beam, and when the two swords touched, green clashed with yellow, creating a myriad of sparks that lit up the whole room. The light was so intense that the two fighters had to separate.

"The artifact! Why do _you_ have it? " The intruder demanded.

Kaka-sensei looked at his glowing sword with an uninterested face. "Ah, well, you see, my class took a trip down to the lake and I saw this sword at the shop and thought, 'gee, wouldn't this make a neat souvenir?', and so I bought it. But it turns out some creepy hermit lives in the sword and he keeps pestering me about some 'Ultimate Move'. You wouldn't believe how many times he dragged me to his dimension/room like some creepy dimensional-pedophile. I think it's the shades. He thinks they look cool but personally I think it's to-"

"Get to the point!"

"Shut up, asshole! I put a lot of thought into this story. Where was I? Oh. So I finally agreed to let him teach me, if just to get him to leave me alone. What I'm trying to say is, you'd best get the fuck outta here before I go Bankai on yer ass." Kaka-sensei leveled his sword at the intruder to emphasize his point.

With a snarl, but knowing he was outmatched, the other quickly departed, shouting "This isn't over, Shiroyasha!"

Sasuke's eyes traveled from the hole where the intruder exited, to Kaka-sensei. The man's intense gaze was also fixed on the place where his opponent was, but when he noticed Sasuke, it softened back to his half-lidded eye.

"I'd quote certain carrot-top with a dimensional-pedophile problem of his own, but I can't, because of all the lawsuits he's filed against me for copyright infringement. I swear, that kid needs to lighten up and pull that stick outta his ass. Ah, but I'm getting awfully close to another lawsuit here. I should probably talk about something else. Oi kid," He addressed the Uchiha, "When I wake up, tell this to me: Find a man named Sakamoto Tatsuma. That no-brained idiot's either running around this town stark naked or getting his ass handed to him by that she-lion secretary of his. Once you find him, everything will be clear. But for now," A genuine smile graced his features, "I'll be in your care." And with that, Kaka-sensei passed out on the floor.

Sasuke stared at the prone and snoring form of his teacher until he could feel the chakra strain from his Sharingan. _What the hell was that?_ He thought frantically. _How was Kakashi able to regain his skills so quickly?_ Maybe Naruto's outrageous story held some truth to it? And the weird chakra-less intruder, who was he and why was he here? Was the intruder after the glowing sword? And why did he call him 'Shiroyasha'? Also, would this 'Sakamoto' explain the reason behind Kakashi's amnesia? Sasuke never quite bought the story Naruto told them about him falling down the stairs. Although Kakashi went along with it, it seemed like there was something else he wasn't telling. The painful throbbing of his shoulder stopped the string of questions that raced through Sasuke's thoughts. For now he needed to get to the hospital for treatment, and maybe get the other three tested for alcohol poisoning.

* * *

><p><strong>Notes: Hey remember three months ago when I mentioned that thing I was gonna rant about four months ago? I forget what it was. But hey, Batman's pretty cool, eh?<strong>

**- Chindu, Prince of Darkness**


	6. Chapter 6: What You Don't Know

**Identity Theft is a Serious Problem**

* * *

><p><strong>So...I hear they've renewed Gintama for a NEW SEASON...and that makes me very happy. So happy, in fact, that you can expect a new, that's right, NEW chapter, soon after this one! Isn't that great? I know, it's great. Maybe. By the way, what the BALLS is goin' on in Naruto?! Seriously, I'm confused as frig right now. There was the demon thing, and the Moon thing, and the Uchiha thing...WHAT'S GOING ON?-! I've gotten into Bleach now. Who knows, maybe there might be a GintamaBleach fic coming up in the near future, written by Yours Truly. Anyways, what took me six months to recover from depression and start on and only three days to finish, please enjoy this chapter of ITIASP. **

**Disclaimer: GINTAMA'S MAKIN' A COMEBACK, BABY! YEAAAAHHH!**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 6: What You Don't Know Can't Hurt You, But It'll Come Back to Bite You in the Ass<strong>

Imagine the surprise on the receptionist's face when a twelve-year-old boy walked through the doors of the hospital, sporting a burnt shoulder and dragging along three unconscious shinobi. Sasuke was immediately whisked away for treatment, and the others were left to deal with their hangovers.

"Kaka-sensei! Kaka-sensei, wake up!"

Kaka-sensei cracked his eyes open. The light shining into them sure wasn't helping his massive headache.

"Kaka-sensei!"

With a groan, he forced himself to sit up. The antiseptic smell of the hospital seemed vaguely familiar to him. "_It-t-t-t-tai_…Can you brats keep it down? It's like a disco party in my skull, and I'm not invited. I can't believe this, two days in a row I gotta go through this. I really need to control my alcoholic tendencies. Ah, but it's so hard; there's just something about alcohol that's so alluring to men. If only someone could invent a type of alcohol that doesn't give you hangovers, I'd give my entire life savings to fund that. Well, maybe half. A quarter? That'd be…twenty bucks?"

"Kaka-sensei! What happened last night?"

Kaka-sensei was forced from his musings by a frantic-looking Naruto. "I just got news that you and Sasuke-teme were in the hospital and I rushed over. Sakura's getting more info from the nurses. What happened? Are you alright? What happened to Sasuke?"

"Apart from my hangover, I'm perfectly fine." The teacher reassured him, "I'm sure Sasuke's okay too; probably just had one too many beers."

"He's underage!"

"You're never too young to start."

"Sensei!"

Sakura's voice drew their attention as she burst into the room. The man saw the anguish in his student's eyes, and that's when he began to worry.

"Kaka-sensei…Sasuke's in the Emergency Ward. The nurses told me he arrived at the hospital last night dragging along you and Kotetsu-san and Izumo-san before collapsing. He's got a severe shoulder wound and heavy bruises all over. Lady Tsunade's tending to him personally." Her eyes began to water. "He-He looked really bad, Sensei…his shoulder's all torn up, he was really pale, I-I…What happened last night? Kaka-sensei?"

He didn't have an answer for her. He just…couldn't remember.

"Don't worry about that bastard, Sakura-chan!" Naruto proclaimed loudly, "He's too much of a hard-ass to let a little cut stop him! And there's nothing Grandma Tsunade can't fix. Just leave it to the old hag and Sasuke-teme will be back to his old emo self in no time!" By what was either chance or Naruto's first and only time of displaying tact, he pulled Sakura out of the room, comforting her with statements of the various brooding poses Sasuke will pull once he recovered. They left Kaka-sensei alone with his thoughts.

_What's wrong with me? _The man buried his head in his palms, fingers clutching at his silver curls. _Why can't I remember? One of my students is in critical condition, and all I remember is drinking! _A deep fear suddenly gripped his heart. _I-It wasn't me, was it? Naruto said I…_change_ every time I get drunk. But I wouldn't hurt Sasuke…would I? _But there was the memory, however faint, of a blood-stained beast atop a mound of corpses. He knew there was something inside him that lay dormant, something vicious, calling out for blood; _**a demon**_.

Over the next few hours, the members of Team Seven were shrouded in anxiety. Sakura was frantic over the well-being of her crush, and Naruto was worried for her, and he himself was beginning to feel anxious. Sasuke was a stuck-up prick, but seeing his rival like this was shattering.

However, none of them could compare to the guilt that plagued their sensei, mulling over his inability to recall the event, troubled over the unknown fact of whether or not he was the cause of all this.

Finally, after an agonizing wait, Lady Tsunade emerged, tired, but with a smile on her face as she told them the Uchiha was awake. Sakura, with the other two in tow, practically tore down walls to reach his room. The boy looked paler than usual, and his right shoulder was heavily bandaged. But he was awake.

Sakura was crying all over him, fretting over his bruises and adjusting his pillow, while Naruto was acting aloof, trying not to let his relief show. Kaka-sensei entered the room slowly, his eyes carefully looking for a reaction from the Uchiha. Their eyes met, and he unconsciously flinched, scared of what might look back at him. But instead of fear or resentment, there was an unexpected mien of respect. Respect for…him?

"Sasuke." Tsunade entered the room. "I know you've just woken, but I need you to tell me what happened last night. How did you get those injuries?"

For a fraction of a second, the boy's eyes flitted towards Kaka-sensei, and the man's dread returned. So it _was_ his fault? Just what had he done?

"Last night I was attacked by thieves," Sasuke reported steadily. "They broke into the Compound, probably hoping to steal some of my family's valuables. I was overwhelmed by their numbers, but Kaka-sensei managed to single-handily drive them off. If it wasn't for him, I'd probably be dead."

Kaka-sensei was…stunned, to say the least. Stunned, and relieved. _I saved him._ He closed his eyes for a second. This was what a teacher was supposed to do._ Protect those around him._ When he opened his eyes again, he was back to his laid-back self.

"Now, now, praise is not necessary. I only accept cash. And Jump." He added as an afterthought.

"I see," said the Hokage, "But the cut on your shoulder still puzzles me. It was cauterized _by_ the weapon, not after."

"The intruders seemed to have some skills in ninjutsu. Missing-nin, perhaps. A rogue jutsu hit me."

Tsunade seemed a bit skeptical, but accepted his explanation.

"Nonetheless," continued Sasuke, "Due to what I observed, with your consent, Tsunade-sama, I declare Kaka-sensei to be fit to return to minor duties. We should be able to handle D to C Rank missions."

"I'll trust your judgement, Sasuke." Said Tsunade. "I hereby declare Team Seven to be back on active duty."

Naruto and Sakura beamed excitedly, while Sasuke just smirked. Kaka-sensei smiled with them.

"Now I can afford to live at the inn full-time!"

* * *

><p>As it turns out, the Hokage knew where Kaka-sensei's apartment was, so he did not have to live at the inn, much to his disappointment ("They have an open bar for full-time residents!"). It also explained why Tsunade kept receiving reports from her ANBU that stated Kaka-sensei stayed out partying every night. Sasuke was still recovering in the hospital, so the others were released from any training duties. They took this opportunity to help the amnesiac familiarize himself with his home.<p>

They tracked down the address and arrived at their destination. However, as they walked past the row of bushes and neared the two-storey apartment, a foreboding familiarity struck Kaka-sensei.

_Isn't this where I stole these clothes from the Painted Butcher?_

Taking a closer look at his surroundings, he confirmed this. And he abruptly turned around.

"Sensei, where are you going?" Asked Sakura, "Your apartment's right there!"

"I-I just remembered I have a meeting somewhere, someday, very important, must get to it immediately."

"Since when?" Asked Naruto skeptically, "We've been with you since Day One. We would've known if you did. You're an invalid, remember?"

"O-Ouch! M-my hemorrhoids are acting up again! I need to see a doctor!" The silver-haired man clutched his stomach in vain.

"Let's see if we can't find some medication in your room." Sakura suggested.

"LOOK, A TIME MACHINE!" The Jōnin pointed at a soda dispenser. "Quickly! Let's explore it!" He stuck his head inside the unit, praying it would actually work. To no avail.

"Sensei, what's wrong with you?" Sakura asked concernedly. "You're acting really strange."

"Yeah, is there something you ain't telling us?" Naruto questioned.

Sighing with defeat, Kaka-sensei decided that the jig was up. "Naruto, Sakura, there's something I have to tell you." The two genin leaned in. "I'm afraid that Sensei has been targeted by a serial killer."

"What?-!"

"No way! That's so cool!"

"It's not 'cool', you brat!" he explained, "Don't you know lives are at stake? _My life?-!_"

"What happened?"

"Well, it might've happened when I sort of took the killer's clothes off his railing. But I really needed them! I would give them back, but I didn't want to die. Oh no, what if he has a Death Note? I'm pretty famous, right? Did he see me take his laundry? I don't wanna die from a heart attack! WHAT THE BALLS IS A 'DEATH NOTE'?-!"

"Kaka-sensei," Sakura started, "Where were the clothes hung?"

"In front of that third door from the left, on the second floor." He pointed.

"Sensei, that's your apartment."

"…"

"…"

"Oh my god, Kaka-sensei, you're a serial killer? That's so cool-"

WHAM!

"NARUTO, YOU IDIOT!" Sakura clenched her fist of fury over the boy's throbbing head.

"Hahaha, _baka, baka_-"

"You too, Sensei!" That shut the man up from his taunting. "How could you not recognize your own room?"

"Uh, well, hey, I lost my memories, remember?"

"Hmm, I guess."

"That's right." _Heheh, damage averted._

"Come on!" Naruto bounded up the stairs. "Let's check out Kaka-sensei's room!"

They reached the door, and it was locked.

"Don't you have any keys on you?" Asked Naruto.

Kaka-sensei patted himself down, but came up with nothing. Just as they were about to leave, a voice called out to them.

"Hatake-san, you're back already?"

An elderly woman came out from the door next to them, holding a potted plant.

"I've kept Mr. Ukki well-watered, like you asked. Your mail's been sorted; I laid them out on your table. And I left some treats for those cute little puppies of yours. Oh, and before I forget, here's your house key." She handed over everything with a kind smile.

"Uh…thank you very much?"

"Oh it's no trouble at all. After all, you take the time to help me cross the street every day, and find Mr. Kuro when that darned cat runs off. I'm just returning the favor. Well, I'd best be getting back to my novel. Stop by anytime for a cup of tea; I do so enjoy our chats about the meaning of life and such." And with that she left.

Kaka-sensei may have been surprised at his luck, but that didn't compare to how blown away Naruto and Sakura were. All those times their teacher was late, each of those excuses were all true?-! Feeling humbled, they obediently followed their sensei through the door.

Kaka-sensei's room was just that; a room. His living arrangements were rather spartan, consisting of a single bed, a desk, a chair, and a bookshelf. Placing the plant (Mr. Ukki, as he recalled) on the windowsill, Kaka-sensei tried to get a feel of the place.

Nothing.

He felt absolutely no connection to this room. It was completely foreign to him. The smell wasn't even familiar. At the back of his mind, he faintly recalled a homely dwelling where he relaxed with carefree abandon. It felt warm and calm. But not this place. Just how much did he forget?

"Hey look! You've got a picture of us, Sensei!" Naruto exclaimed happily at the portrait of Team Seven.

"And there's even a picture of your Genin team! You were so cute, Sensei!" Sakura squealed.

"That man in the picture, he looks just like the dude carved on the Hokage Monument!" Naruto pointed out. His comment earned him another punch from Sakura.

"You mean the Fourth Hokage, Naruto! Kaka-sensei, was your teacher the Fourth Hokage? That's amazing!"

…_No…_That's not his teacher; his teacher was…._Shouyou-sensei…_He didn't know the man in the picture. He did not recall the other children beside him. He simply did not remember.

"This is the only picture I've seen of the Fourth Hokage being so carefree." Sakura commented, "In this, he sorta looks like you, Naruto." She compared the two photographs together.

"Ya think?" Said Naruto, taking a closer look. "Yeah, you're right! You think maybe we're related?" He asked excitedly. This was the closest he'd ever been to discovering clues about his family. And to be related to a Hokage, that'd be even better!

"Fat chance. If you were related to the Fourth Hokage, how come you suck at being a shinobi?"

"I'm still a budding ninja, Sakura-chan! You'll see, I'll be the greatest ninja ever! Just like the Fourth Hokage!"

The children left that day with new discoveries, but Kaka-sensei only discovered more questions. Questions like why nothing was coming back to him, even though he was sitting in his own room? He walked over to the bookshelf and picked up a photograph. Why did this room not feel familiar to him? How can he not remember his old teacher, even when the pictures were right in front of him? No matter how hard he stared at the image, nothing surfaced. It was so frustrating, not knowing anything about himself. What kind of life did he lead? What kind of family did he have? What would the future hold for someone who had no past? _Why did his feelings contradict with the evidence presented to him? _The photo held no answers, but simply displayed a group of strangers, locked forever in memories.

* * *

><p>A week had passed before Sasuke was finally discharged from the hospital. His wounds were fully healed, though his shoulder still felt a bit sore at times. He hoped this won't affect his performance. But with Team Seven fully grouped again, they found themselves standing before the Hokage, receiving their first mission in weeks.<p>

"I have a D-rank mission for you, Team Seven, at the request of Miss Suzuki-"

"_Mrs._ Suzuki, if you would," Said a rather heavyset woman standing next to the desk. If Tsunade was put off at being cut off, she hid it professionally.

"Right, Suzuki-san would like you to-"

"I want you to tail my husband and find out what that scoundrel's been doing!" The lady raged. "Every night he comes home late and smells like booze. He says he's been working late but I don't believe it! A friend of mine told me she saw him going into a cabaret club. In the Red Light district! I can't believe my hubby's cheating on me with some…some _harlot_ in a club!" She burst into tears as she said this. "If you find evidence of his infidelity, bring him to me so I can _deal with him_." She smashed her fist down on the table, making a sizable dent in the wood.

"Team Seven, do you, ah, accept this mission?"

All four members nodded mutely, too scared to provoke the furious housewife.

"Very well, everything you need to know is within this scroll. I wish you luck on your mission."

"_Hai_, Hokage-sama."

The shinobi diligently left the room, mission in hand.

Once they were quite a ways away from the Hokage Tower, Sasuke voiced a question that had been nagging at him ever since he was in the hospital.

"Do you know someone named 'Sakamoto'?" He addressed Kaka-sensei. Naruto and Sakura looked at him inquisitively as the man shook his head.

"No…why?"

"Because that night after you fought off the thief, you told me to tell you to find a man named Sakamoto Tatsuma. After that, you passed out and I had to drag your drunk ass all the way to the hospital. With a shoulder wound." He said the last part with a bit of smugness in his voice.

"Sasuke-kun, why didn't you tell the Hokage this?" Asked Sakura, "I'm sure she would've known who Kaka-sensei was talking about."

"I don't think she would've," Said Sasuke, "Naruto, you've seen Sensei in his weird state before, right?" The orange ninja nodded. "Then you know what he's like. He's more focused, sharper, like he'd regained his memories," Sasuke narrowed his eyes, "But those memories aren't Kakashi's."

"Wh-what are you saying, Sasuke-kun?" Sakura exclaimed, "How can Kaka-sensei have memories that aren't his?"

"Sasuke, explain," Kaka-sensei asked in all seriousness.

"When you go into that state, it's like you become a completely different person," Sasuke elaborated, "Even from that one instant, I could tell that everything about you had changed; your mannerisms, your way of talking, even the way you fight. Am I right, Naruto?"

"Yeah," nodded the other boy, recalling his encounter with the 'other' Kaka-sensei, "That night that I saw you, I couldn't even be sure it was really you, Sensei. Something was just…off."

"Then, what do you think this means?" Asked their teacher.

"I think something happened the day you lost your memories," Sasuke speculated, "Something bigger than just a case of random amnesia."

"What?"

"I don't know, but if we can find where this Sakamoto guy is, I bet we can find out."

* * *

><p>"'<em>Hi Hi Happy Paradise'<em>?" Sakura checked the scroll, "Is this the place?"

'The place' she referred to was one establishment among the many that littered the streets of the Red Lantern District. The lurid neon signs compete to become the brightest, but in the end they all meld together into a bright flashing mess of 'CUTE GIRLS, CHEAP DRINKS HERE'. Putting the issue of the mysterious Sakamoto behind, Team Seven's actual mission brought them near a club that was slightly smaller and out of the way compared to the others, but it proved no less kitschy.

"Broken sign, barred windows, weird smell…seems legit." Commented Kaka-sensei. "Let's go!"

They approached the cabaret club. Near the door there stood a greeter, trying (and failing) to entice passers-by to enter the club. As the group reached the entrance, the greeter happily bounded up to them.

"Ahaha, dear Customer! I welcome you to our fine club! You will find many wonderful ladies here for your choosing! However," he pulled down his shades to get a better look at the younger members, "I'm afraid we don't allow minors in the club."

"Oi, are you blind?" Kaka-sensei exclaimed in an outrage, "Can't you see they're midgets? Midgets, yeah? Discrimination in this day and age? What kind of place is this? I'm appalled. I have half a mind to sue!"

"Oh dear, ahaha, forgive me dear Customers." The greeter changed his tune immediately. "Please, please, enter and enjoy-"

"_BAKA_!-!-!"

A fist came flying outta nowhere and into the greeter's face. The poor man lay crumpled beneath the feet of a rotund guy wearing a suit that was several sizes too small.

"A-ahaha, Manager-san!" Said the greeter, adjusting his askew shades and nursing the fist mark on his face, "I was just about to let these fine Customers in-"

"YA MORON!" Screamed the manager, his face turning beet red, "Can't you see these are minors?"

"No, they're midgets, see? This dear Customer explained it to me-"

"'Midgets' my ass!" The manager grabbed the greeter by the scruff of his shirt, "Are ya blind? Just the other day ya let in a dog. A DOG!"

"No, no, Manager-san! It was just a very hairy man-"

"I took ya in from the street and gave ya a job outta the goodness of my heart, and this is how ya repay me?-! Get yer act together or ye're fired! And _you_," The manager relinquished his hold on the greeter and turned his attention towards Kaka-sensei. "What kind of sick pervert are ya to bring kids here?"

"We're here on a mission," Sasuke explained, "Our client requested the investigation of one of your customers and we'd like to-"

"No one's talkin' to you, _gaki_." Sasuke looked ready to murder the man if Kaka-sensei hadn't jumped in.

"Look man, we just wanna know if this guy's been here before," He held up a photo of Mr. Suzuki. The manager simply crossed his arms.

"We here at _Hi Hi Happy Paradise_ like to exercise customer confidentiality. Ain't no way I'm telling you nuthin'."

"So there's no way for you to tell us nothing? Excellent! When was the last time he was here?"

"I-wha, didn't I tell ya I ain't gonna tell you nuthin'?" The man sputtered.

"Yeah, you weren't going to tell us nothing, which means you're going to tell us something. Isn't that what you said, _Manager-san?_"

The large man narrowed his beady eyes at Kaka-sensei. "I know ya Shinobi types, always slinkin' around fer yer next paycheck and wavin' around yer status like ya own the place. Well, I know fer a fact that ya got no authority over me or my customers, so take yer smart-assin' and shove it. I don't wanna see you or yer brats around here again, else I'm reporting ya."

Kaka-sensei had no choice but to back down. They left the premise quickly with the manager shouting threats behind their backs.

"That guy pisses me off!" Naruto exclaimed. "We were just askin' if he'd seen a guy, not threatening to mug him."

"Now now, Beruto-kun," Kaka-sensei said sagely, "We simply need to get inside via differing means."

"What do you have in mind?" Sasuke asked a bit apprehensively.

"Something. Sakura, I'm gonna need your help."

"Me?" Asked the kunoichi, "Of course, Sensei, but with what?"

"Well, I doubt Biscuit-kun here knows how to apply eyeliner."

* * *

><p><strong>Notes: Alright, frig it, Imma rant about Mega Man the anime. First off, Chaud, the rival of the main character, Lan Hikari (Pfff, 'Lan' what a stupid name, haha...whatdaya mean 'Chindu' sounds stupider? TAKE THAT BACK!) is a total douche. You guys know Kaiba from Yu Gi Oh, right? Of course you do. Well, imagine him, 5 ft shorter, wearing an egg shell on his head. THAT'S Chaud; a rich corporate tool. But I digress. In the show, Lan and Chaud have their big macho 5th-grader show-down where they let their little computer avatars fight their battle for them. Mega Man, being the complete goody-goody that he is, saves Chaud's...uh, Mega-man dude thingy...'Proto-man' and shit happens and now Chaud's friendly with Lan now. A little TOO friendly. Bordering on clingy-girlfriend friendly. <strong>

**In the few episodes that he shows up cuz he's not the main bad guy anymore (Spoilers!) he and Lan become a whirlwind tag-team duo...ok, maybe more like Super Mario, where Chaud's Mario and Lan's...Princess Peach! And every time he sees Lan, you can tell he's happy. Really happy. And when the audience listens in on his thoughts, it's pretty much just 'I wonder where Lan is?', 'Is Lan involved in this?', 'I have to help Lan!', 'Did Lan check his email yet? [redacted]'. Don't even get me started about the time when Lan offered him cookies and Chaud's response was "Only if YOU made them". Cue awkward laughter.**

**Now, there are other kids on the show. Other GIRL kids. And one of them's even a rich heiress. But despite her obvious advances, Chaud completely ignores her (Ok, yeah, so she's kinda got a receding hairline and is the size of the 3-year-old) along with EVERYONE ELSE. The first thing he asks when he sees them is 'Where's Lan?'. And it doesn't help that Lan's a complete idiot. I mean really; on one hand, he's got a hot 10-year-old chick who obviously wants to get together, and on the other, a rich prick that stalks him, possibly utilizing his fortune in very useful means (surveillance cameras). Hell, there was one episode completely devoted to try and set him up with the girl, which ended with Lan oblivious to everything and the girl exasperated (Chaud probably sabotaged their date behind the scenes, but we'll never know). See? Even the writers realized they needed to balance out Chaud's total man-crush with something more feminine, but failed miserably. **

**Now bear in mind, this rant ain't me complaining; it's me pointing out how friggin' HILARIOUS this show is! And it's not just me who's seen this pattern; others have realized this and have written some...uh...rather _descriptive_ theories on their relationship (some of which are featured on this site, and venture into a topic of which I am too **uncomfortable **with and too scared of legal prosecutors to touch). But seriously, it's so cute watching a supposed bad-ass turn into a little puppy following it's master around, begging for attention and...uh...ahem. Yeah. That's all I gots to say. I'm just...I'm gonna go play some, some Halo and Call of Duty now...eat a steak and whatnot...yeah, football. Ahem. Excuse me. **

**- Chindu, Manly Prince of Darkness **

**P.S. NETNAVI! That's what they're called!...Yeah...I-I gotta get back to shooting people, with guns. Big guns. And explosions. Michael Bay.**


	7. Chapter 7: Be Cool, Stay in School

**Identity Theft is a Serious Problem**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 7: Be Cool, Stay in School, Don't do Drugs, 'else you're F**ked<strong>

"Thank you for your patronage! Please, come again!"

The greeter waved good-bye to another satisfied customer, albeit with a lighter wallet. After that fiasco with the shinobi, he was determined to do a better job at hooking in customers. The manager also warned him of watching out for any more nosy ninjas lurking about. Still…there was something about that silver-haired guy that seemed familiar…

"_Ano _…excuse me, sir? Is this the _Hi Hi Happy Paradise _cabaret?"

The greeter turned to face the owner of the voice, "Why yes, it is! Step right inside for your personal happy paradise-"And had his face smashed into a pair of squishy mounds.

"_Yatta!_ Girls, we're finally here! Oooh, I'm so excited to be here!"

"A-ahahaha, e-excuse me, ma'am? Everything's gone dark…and I seem to be having some difficulty…breathing…"

The woman gasped in surprise and released her strong grip on him. "Oh my, please forgive me," she apologized, "I was just so ecstatic; I don't know what came over me,"

"Aha, no no, not to worry," The greeter reassured her, "Now what can I do for you fine ladies today?"

The woman giggled behind the sleeve of her kimono, as did her pig-tailed companion. "My, what a charmer you are, Greeter-san. That makes me even gladder we came here."

"And that would be too…?"

"To work as a hostess! Me and my sisters will be wonderful additions to your staff!" The lady elaborated. "Girls? Girls! Don't be shy, come meet the nice man!"

At her beckoning, two other girls appeared, slightly smaller in stature than the first two. The black-haired one was blushing furiously and kept her eyes low to the ground, occasionally hiding behind her pink-haired sister.

"We would love to have you here, Miss…?" The greeter awaited an answer.

"Oh dearie, I forgot to introduce ourselves." The lady said cheerily, "I'm Pako-chan, and this is Nako, Sako, and Taco!" She pointed to her blonde, pink, and black-haired sisters respectively.

"Well, Pako-san, let me show you to the manager. I'm sure he'll hire you on the spot!" He held the door open for them.

"Thank you so much, Greeter-san," Pako giggled, batting her eyelashes and touching up her silvery curls, "And it's Pako-_chan_, if you would."

"'_And it's Pako-_chan_, if you would_.'Puuahahaha! Laid it on a little thick there, eh? _Nee-san_?" The blonde sister laughed.

"Girls don't laugh like that, _Nako_-_chan_," Said the eldest, driving a fist down on the other's head, "Blow our cover and I'll see to it that you stay a girl." Her voice was now a deep baritone.

"Both of you are gonna give us away if you don't stop!" Said Sako.

"I can't believe he fell for it," Taco finally spoke up, "This whole plan was just stupid! We could've just performed a _henge_ and came in as customers." 'She' tugged at the hem of her dress. "And how do you expect us to move in these things?"

"We'll have an easier time investigating if we pose as workers," explained Sako.

"You're just mad that you're in a _dress!_" Nako guffawed, as Taco fumed and/or blushed angrily. It was hard to tell under all that make-up. "You did some good work on him, sensei."

"Whatdaya take me for, a rank amateur? This ain't my first rodeo, kid,"Pako stated proudly.

"Yeah, about that," Nako said suspiciously, "You seemed to know an awful lot about make-up and women's clothing. Got something you're not telling us, Sensei?"

"That's 'Nee-san' to you, ya brat. Not all of us have the power of instant sex-change, you know. The rest of us actually put work in making ourselves pretty. Do you know how hard it was to get Taco-kun in a dress?"

"Why the hell do you keep naming me after food?" Taco demanded.

"Ah, that reminds me; don't eat anything they serve here. You can drink to your heart's content but you don't wanna know what they put in the food."

"We're underage-!"

"We're here," Pako cut him off, "Act like chicks!"

The greeter opened the door to a secluded room in the back. The same portly man from before sat at a desk with documents strewn all over. As they entered, he discretely stashed something in the drawer, which was not overlooked by the disguised ninja.

"Ya moron, I thought I told ya ta knock!" The man bellowed in rage.

"Ahaha, sorry, Manager-san, but these ladies were eager to meet you. They're looking for employment here as hostesses."

"They'd better not be like those fugly hags you introduced last time," said the man as the greeter stepped out. He gave the group a once-over, sending disgusted shivers up the genins' spine. "You, Blondie, yer're hired. The two midgets, I guess yer've got the loli-con appeal, and _you_," He addressed Pako-chan, "Yer face's ok, but yer' built like a tank! God, it's like someone took a Barbie head and stuck it on a Ken body! Was yer mother part-gorilla or somethin-"

A hand struck out and grabbed the man by the face. He was dragged across his desk and lifted a foot in the air.

"Excuse me, _sir,_ did you say something? I didn't quite hear you. You _complemented_ my figure, isn't that right, Manager-san_?_"

"Y-yes, ma'am," came a terrified mumbling.

"I can't help it if I'm big boned. Compared to those skinny little skanks, men are much more attracted to a woman with a little meat on her. Isn't that right_, Manager-san_?"

"Of course, of course!" Squeaked the terrified man.

"Which is why you need _all_ of us here at the club, to attract more customers. _Isn't that right, Manager-san?_"

"Y-y-yes! Yer're all hired! Every one of ya!" Pako dropped him. "G-go see Nozomi; she'll get ya girls settled in." The manager scrambled back to his desk.

"Thank you, Manager-_san_, we're so excited to start working," Pako-chan bowed and walked out, her sisters trailing behind her. The manager slumped into his chair, letting out a sigh of relief. Now that was one terrifying woman. Something struck him as familiar with that lady, but he didn't know exactly what it was. Brushing away the thought, he went back to counting his profits.

Nozomi-san was a stern-faced woman with an air of professionalism around her. She took one look at the group and immediately assigned them their tables.

"Nako-chan, please help Table Three and watch what the other girls do. Sako-chan, Taco-chan, you two head to Table Six; Aki-chan will be able to guide you. And Pako-san," She turned to the curly-haired woman, "You look like you've done this before, am I right?"

"I guess you could say that?" Pako-chan said uncertainly.

"It's okay," Nozomi-san's expression softened a bit, "We don't look down on anyone here; all the girls here came from different backgrounds and we just wound up here. We don't care how you ended up here; everyone's considered family." She gave a calming smile which Pako returned with an awkward one. "I'll have you handle Table Seven; Nakamura-san's one of our more…_unruly_ guests, but you look like you can take what he and his friends can dish out. Honestly though, I wish the manager would let us kick out some of the trash that come in here, but all he cares about is money."

"You've been having trouble with guests?" Pako asked nonchalantly, but her eyes quickly darted over to the kids.

The hostess nodded, "That pig refuses to let us turn them away. He treats us like dirt and can't even have the decency to make up for it. I'm thankful that our new greeter screens out most of the ruffians, but he can't keep track of everyone that comes and goes through this place."

"How much trouble do the guests give you?" The pink-haired Sako jumped in, catching on to Pako's hints.

"Well we always get the ones who just can't keep their hands to themselves, but that's normal. Lately however, some of our regulars have been getting…well, _too_ regular. They come in more than three times a day at least, each time requesting one of our private booths. Their mood gets sporadic and it puts the girls in danger. So if any of you end up with a customer like that, come to me at once!" The sisters nodded and headed to their respective tables.

As Pako-sensei passed by each of them, she whispered "Keep your eyes peeled, our target might be one of the 'regulars'. And watch your asses, these fellas can reach around a table to cop a feel."

Pako-sensei then strolled over to a rather rowdy table filled with burly-looking men. Sako hoped her sensei could handle it.

"Taco-kun," she said, latching onto the other's arm, "Will _Nee-san_ be alright? Those guys look scary…" She glanced back at the table, where Pako-sensei was receiving a round of cat-calls and whistles.

"Five minutes," Taco said cryptically, "It's us I'm worried about; we're stuck in a bar filled with lecherous old men, trying to find a lecherous old man. And I'm in a dress!"

"I think you look pretty, Taco-kun,"

Taco groaned.

Their table proved to be no problem. Aki-san was able to subtly guide them with their customers, who turned out to be a pair of nervous teenagers. Sako fell into her role with ease, not that she had much to do in the first place. Aki-san was doing most of the work and Tako, to her immense amusement, had somehow garnered the attention of both customers, even though she spent most of the time brooding and fidgeting in the _really uncomfortable dress_. Sako took the chance to take a glance around the room, looking for her teammates. Nako was soaking up all the attention garnered towards her. No problems there. She looked over to table Seven, and finally understood Taco's lack of worry for their teacher.

"Hail to the King, bitches!" Pako-sensei declared to the heavens, a dainty foot on the table and her seventh bottle raised. "Hmm, we're getting low on supplies. Waiter! 10 bottles of Dom Perignon!"

"N-no more, Pako-san…we can't keep up…you're too powerful!" Nakamura pleaded, before collapsing. The other men around him were either already passed out or on the verge of puking. But Pako-san would have none of it.

"Eh? What's that?" She grabbed the man by the scruff of his shirt. "You're quitting? But we haven't even built a champagne tower yet! Don't give up on me, man! Do you know how long I've waited to get a job that actually _pays_ me to drink?! No wonder that she-gorilla works in a place like this! You've still got some change in your pockets, right? You can go pawn your watch, right? You only need one kidney to live, right?-!"

Sakura resisted the urge to slam her head on the table. Her teacher's actions were _not_ helping the mission. All it did was attract unnecessary attention. Just then, a customer entered that drew her eye. She recognized the haggard, sunken face, but it seemed to have deteriorated since the picture she saw was taken. She kept her eyes on the target and watched as he walked to the back room. He was greeted by the manager, who, after glancing around, ushered the man into the room. Soon, the manager stepped out, but no sign of the other man.

She discretely dismissed herself under the pretense of getting more drinks. She caught Sasuke's eye, but he was under pressure from their customers to be able to join her. Naruto paused in his high-pitched laughter to acknowledge her movement before returning to his adoring fans. Kaka-sensei was passed out under a mountain of Dom Perignon.

Sakura managed to make her way to the back without being noticed (subtly crushing a hand that was reaching for her backside didn't count). Not hearing any noise from the room, she quietly snuck in. The man in the room had his back towards her as she entered, but she could tell something was off. His entire frame racked with tremors, and quiet, desperate whimpering came from his mouth.

"Suzuki…san?" Sakura asked tentatively. Her medic training was kicking in and she was genuinely worried about the man. "Are you alright?" She edged closer to the man, nudging him with a gentle hand.

The minute she made contact, the man grabbed her wrist and whipped around with a frenzied roar. She was propelled to the opposite wall with surprising force, and had to twist her body to land safely in a defensive crouch. The man groaning before her…couldn't be called a man anymore. His eyes were darting to and fro, and he was foaming slightly at the mouth. His limbs twitched convulsively as he staggered drunkenly towards her.

She was confident in her abilities in defending herself, but she was hesitant to bring harm to a civilian. This man needed medical attention, but needed to be subdued first. Sakura acted before he could get any closer. She tore off the curtains decorating the room and flung them towards the crazed man. He clawed at the fabric, but the young kunoichi quickly wrapped it around his body, effectively immobilizing him. The man fell to the ground like a toppled tree, still writhing and snarling.

Sakura knelt beside him to secure the bindings, when suddenly, a hand tore through the fabric and grabbed her by the throat. Her eyes widened as the man ripped the thick cloth to shreds with teeth and spare hand, the other still gripping her neck. He stood and lifted her off the ground, fingers tightening.

Sakura clawed at the hand, then mustered up her strength for a front kick to the man's chin. Surprised and disoriented, the rabid man released her, and Sakura quickly retaliated with another kick to the head. The momentum doubled her force, causing the man to crash into the wall in a heap. He remained there unmoving.

She needed to report this to Kaka-sensei. Sakura bolted out the room, only to run into the heavy-set form of the manager.

"Little bitch," Was all Sakura heard when the sudden jolt of electricity tore through her body. It felt like every muscle was trying to contract all at once. She fell to the ground, gasping in pain. The manager was holding some sort of prod that sparked at the tip.

"Ya liked that? A little somethin' I use to keep my _customers_ in line, if they get a little rowdy. Seems it's pretty useful against _ninjas_." He pressed it into her arm and she felt the pain again. Her jaw was tensed shut and she couldn't call out, for Sasuke, for Naruto, for her sensei.

"I knew ya little brats looked familiar. Damn shinobi always messing in other people's business. Think yer're so tough with yer tricks and shit. It's time ya got what's comin' to ya."

A guttural groan came from the wall where the crazed man crashed into, and a sadistic grin spread on the manager's face.

"Don't think Suzuki's done playin' with ya. I'll leave ya two alone, and come back for what's left of ya."

Sakura tried to get up but her limbs weren't responding. The manager left the room and she heard the lock click shut. Suzuki was beginning to stir, and she still couldn't move. The man snapped open his eyes and trained them right on her, an inhuman snarl on his face. He crawled towards her like an animal, and Sakura tried not to imagine what he'd do to her if he could rip apart thick fabric like paper. With a feral roar, the man leaped.

Two things happened then. Sakura shut her eyes, just as the door crashed open with a bang. There was a yell, and she felt the thud of a body next to her. She opened her eyes. Suzuki-san lay unconscious next to her. The greeter stood at the doorway, with the manager's electric probe in hand. He knelt down next to her and smiled.

"Nozomi-san told me to keep out the unruly customers. This thing's pretty useful for that, don't you think?"

Running footsteps came from the hallway and her team came bursting through the door. Naruto paled at the sight of her and Sasuke's expression darkened, as they both rushed to her aid.

"Sakura-chan! Sakura-chan! Speak to me!" Naruto's voice screamed in her ear.

"You don't need to yell!" Sakura ground out as best as she could.

"Who did this to you, Sakura?" Sasuke's eyes darted menacingly at the greeter.

"The manager did, and Greeter-san saved me from Suzuki-san, who tried to attack me." Sakura quickly explained, in case Sasuke jumped to conclusions.

"Suzuki? As in our Suzuki?" Naruto exclaimed.

"Yeah, he's the guy next to me." They helped her to an upright position, and she explained the situation to the rest as she tested her limbs for mobility.

"Hmm, he was carrying this in his pocket." The greeter pulled out a small packet containing little green pills from the downed man's jacket.

"He was drugged?"

"Maybe, but that doesn't explain his unnatural strength," Sakura countered. "The manager should have more answers. Where is he?"

"Ahaha, uh, I _accidentally_ knocked him out in the hallway when I came here," the greeter said sheepishly.

"He wasn't there when we came," Sasuke admitted, "He must've woken up. We need to-"

A sudden crash came from the manager's office and they all scurried out.

That stupid bleeding heart greeter of his, should've known he'd be trouble. Never should've offered that idiot a job. Should've just let him be arrested for public indecency. He fumbled with the locks on his safe. Damn ninjas! Always poking their noses where it don't belong. He had to get away, take as much of the money and packets he could. He'd probably be able to make it to Iwa, then set up shop there. He'd have to tell the guy he was moving so he could get a steady supply of-

"Leaving so soon, _Manager-san_?"

He froze. Pako-san was standing at the door, her towering frame blocking the only way out of his office. Her voice was deeper, darker, and traces of a thinly veiled threat hung in the silence.

"You haven't even given me my first paycheck yet." She (_He, goddamnit, it's that damn shinobi!_) stepped into the room, closing the door behind her. "My sisters and I have done good work, and I think my bonus should cover Sako-chan's hospital fees."

Shit, she sounded _pissed_.

"S-stay back, ya freak!" The manager grabbed the knife he hid under his desk and held it shakily in front of him. The other man didn't even acknowledge it. "Back!"

"I don't like it when people hurt my brats. Granted, they're not my usual brats, but I've grown fond of them. And you went and hurt one of them. What do you suppose happens now?"

"_Stay back! _I-I'm warning you!" The man's terrified voice reached the higher pitches. This _demon_'s eyes seemed to glow red in the lamp-light as it reached into its kimono and pulled out a wooden sword.

"I'm here to collect, _Manager-san_."

Sasuke was the first one through the door. The others followed immediately after. The manager's desk was knocked over to the far wall, papers strewn all across the floor and he saw his sensei looming over a still body, wooden sword drawn and bloody. He heard Sakura stifle a gasp at the sight of their sensei in such a state. The man must have heard them, as he turned towards them. In this light, his red eyes were visible to all, and Sasuke remembered the night he was attacked. Kaka-sensei had the same aura as that night; deadly, dangerous, and _alien_. He could sense Naruto tense up beside him, no doubt also recalling the last time he saw their sensei like this. There was a raging beast barely restrained behind those eyes, once simply bored and carefree, but now held anger so intense Sasuke felt as if he was faced with the full force of a Fireball Jutsu.

"K…Kaka-sensei?" Sakura bravely asked.

Immediately, those angry red eyes softened to their normal half-lidded gaze. Sasuke let out a breath he didn't know he was holding.

"Are you alright?" Their sensei asked. Sakura nodded slowly.

"Greeter-san saved me…Sensei, did you…did you kill him?" She gestured hesitantly towards the manager.

"Hmm? Oh, him? Nah, just roughed him up a little. He'll be fine, with intensive care. But I see you've managed to find the idiot," He nodded towards the greeter, who looked at him with a puzzled expression. "Oi, Bakamoto, you remember anything?"

The greeter frowned in confusion. "I…I…you…"

"Come on, look at me," Kaka-sensei removed the hair ties and ruffled his hair back into shape. "What's my name?"

"You…you're…" The greeter's eyebrows suddenly shot up behind his shades. "Kintoki!"

"Brainless idiot! How many times-! Ah, my time's up. Sorry, kiddies, looks like you'll have to beat the stupid out of him without me." And then he passed out.

* * *

><p><strong>Helloooo...<strong>

**Miss me? I sure missed you. You asked and I answered. Fiddled with the plot, bringing some intrigue and action in, yeah. I think a few of you are like, psychic or something, for guessing what I was gonna do. Seriously, start a palm-reading business, you'll earn millions (not really, no, stay in school, kids). Ah, I missed you guys. You're nothing like those asshats over in the Video Games and Comics section. You're nice. So I didn't know Spider-Man didn't officially join the X-Men until issue #whatever. So I don't know the ammo capacity of a semi-automatic in Call of Honor: BattleGear Halo. SCREW OFF. Anal-retentive, the lot of them, I swear. Not like you. My sweet, gentle Anime/Manga section readers. You always have such nice words for me. You're like the class rep admired by everyone for your kindness, cheerfulness, and sweetness. Those other punks are the class...punks. What I'm trying to say is, I love you (except you, dude-that-said-'gay'-in-the-reviews. Eat me). Uh...no offense if you're one of the asshats in the Video Games and Comics section. Yeah, so...peace. **

**- G-POW**

**P.S. I changed my name to G-POW, in order to fulfill my dream of becoming a Platinum album dubstep reggae rapper. Fo' shizzle, yo. **


End file.
